She was there so often that you took it for granted.
You think no matter what you say or do, she will be there because she always has been.
The average person would not have tolerated any of this as long as she did. But the thing is that it is different. Your strength lies in the form of belief when there is no hope. Her strength lies in the form of staying when everyone tells her not to.
Her strength lies in looking you in the eye and smiling, even if you are the reason she cried herself to sleep last night.
And if you’re wondering how you’re going to miss her, that’s exactly it.
It is only gradually withdrawing. And at first, you won’t notice anything. How can you notice someone or something that you’ve never really appreciated?
You will learn to appreciate them in their absence. And that’s the hardest way to miss someone. That moment when it clicks that you could have had something big, but you didn’t know what you had when you had it.
She was always yours. She never played games. She made it too easy. But the thing about her is that she didn’t think love should be as difficult as you did. She didn’t believe in games or measuring herself against someone’s feelings because she wasn’t sure of her own. But that’s exactly what you did.
And after a while, even the strongest girls get tired of waiting. Are emotionally exhausted. And this power that they suddenly had makes them leave.
Trust me she doesn’t want to go. If it were her decision and she knew that waiting confidently led to what she ultimately wanted, she would hold out. But you have a wave of uncertainty that challenges you.
Suddenly, someone who is confident has doubts when looking at their reflection in the mirror. She built you up at the expense of tears because you made her believe she wasn’t good enough.
So she will get up and leave even though she doesn’t want to.
And she will always look back. She is looking for any reason to turn around. But what kills her is not that she leaves, but that it takes you quite a while to notice how she really has gone.
Because if she’s right in front of you, you don’t care and if not, then you don’t show it. Because it’s not as easy as answering a message. You are not what she needs. And that’s why she has to go.
And slowly you will see that not everyone likes them or sees them on social media first. The things she fits you into are getting fewer and fewer. Their initial conversations looking for a reason to speak to you are replaced with silence. Then one day you will find out.
Maybe you’re sending a short message that opens with no reply when it used to wait 30 seconds to reply.
Maybe you text her and that amount of time she doesn’t respond will give you a taste of your own medicine and you will know how she’s been feeling for so long.
Maybe you’re doing a duplicate text even if you know you shouldn’t. Or you mark them in something.
The moment you realize you may have lost her, you’ll see how everything reminds you of her.
All of a sudden, you’ll be the one looking for reasons to talk to her.
Something good happens and you want to tell her. Something bad happens and you miss the shoulder that you cried on. Days turn into weeks and you notice how little it is there. And you wonder when you will see her again.
You realize how much you are looking forward to this day and how much you miss it.
All that previously upset you, you will notice, was just her way of showing you how much she cared, even though you did little to give back.
That is when you realize how strong she was to love someone who cannot love her the way she deserves.
And you want to achieve it. But there is a concern because you know what you did. Or rather, what you didn’t do.
And you will fumble your way through realizing how much she interests you and wants to tell her. You don’t know how much she misses you too, just she doesn’t show it. You don’t know how many conversations she wanted to have with you. But you didn’t give her the light of day.
When every plan was canceled and your word became something she couldn’t rely on, she learned that you may be all she wanted, but also the last thing she needed.
Because if love is that pain that she felt, that disappointment you left her with, then maybe she did something wrong.
So she won’t leave because she doesn’t love you, but because you never asked her to stay and it took you a long time to even notice that she was gone.
And the day will come and your paths will cross and maybe she will hold the hand of someone who is not you.
And then it hits you hardest.
Seeing how she loves someone else, how she loved you, will crush you.
What you don’t know is how hard something new was for her. She compared everyone to you in the beginning.
And you look at each other in the room and in this silence, you will see that she has never stopped loving you and maybe you realize that you love her too.
But none of you take the slightest step.
Just this eye contact with no words and if silence could speak, it would be said that it was common knowledge that “it shouldn’t end like this.”
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