Most of us never see it coming. Above all, when one is in love, and one becomes instantly blind to all that can put in danger our happiness, what one calls of the conscious denial.
Unfortunately, we only become aware of what has happened to us when the evil is already done.
Then suddenly, something opens our eyes, and all the things that we have experienced seem horrible to us.
The truth is that they have always been horrible, but we chose to make them pretty.
This is what happens when psychological violence surprises you. We never see it coming, we only feel the consequences.
How can your mind be ready to deal with something you thought suddenly happened?
I know, it’s impossible.
So, you are facing one of the biggest challenges of your healing.
First, you look back, and you’re still wondering how you’ve been able to endure so much bullshit he’s been doing to you.
You can not believe what he did and how you reacted. You can not believe the number of things you have justified.
In retrospect, it’s absolutely ridiculous and sad at the same time.
But there is one important lesson you learned. We can not change someone who does not want to change.
You can not force someone to love you by loving him back.
Here is the lesson that each of you must learn if she goes out with someone (and suspects) that he is a disguised narcissist.
1. Everything revolves around him, and no one else
He cares only about himself. There is no sentence that contains the word “I”.
You will notice that when you go out with your friends, he only talks about him.
The whole conversation revolves around him. Even if someone starts talking about something else, he will use it to put himself forward.
2. It’s like he says no differently
He never considers the opinions of others. When he decides something, it’s his way.
It’s as if you do not even exist in his world. You can talk and beg, he will not even care.
3. He manipulates you
He knows each of your movements; he knows each of your reactions.
Thanks to this, he can manipulate you and control you to do exactly what he wants you to do.
And in the end, you’ll feel like you’ve done what you want. That’s how good he is manipulative.
This is not the worst. No, the worst is that he likes to see you bend to his will.
He is proud to have a nice and well-trained puppet who will do exactly what he wants.
4. It has two weights, two measures
When it comes to your life, there are more rules than you can imagine.
You must make decisions throughout your life carefully, making sure you do not go wrong (according to him).
But when it comes to him, the rules are different. All the things you do not have the right to do, he has the right to do.
When he makes a mistake for which you would be punished, it is not so bad.
5. The opinion of others is important to him
He is very fond of his reputation. He always stands out because he must always be the most charming and kind person you have ever met.
He does not stop until he provokes this feeling in someone he has met.
If emphasizing means belittling another, he does it anyway because he does not care who he has to crush to appear the best.
6. You are the only one responsible
Rejecting the fault is his favorite game. He is never responsible for anything.
If you feel bad, it’s because you’ve done it to yourself. It’s never him.
He is the angel, and you are the devil. He has probably called you “wicked” and “manipulative” many times, though you both know he’s the bad guy and not you.
7. He is the best he is
He always boasts of being the best, doing everything better than anyone.
If you ask him, he is the master of the universe. He will admit it without any shame.
You know that people who have really accomplished something never brag about it. They keep it for themselves, and only if you insist they tell you, they will.
Well, you never have anything to ask him, he will boast of everything without any invitation.
8. It feeds on negativity
Whenever he feels positive energy, he will come as close as possible to empty everything.
In those moments, he even pretends to love you really. He pretends to want to make you happy.
So naturally, after every conversation with him, you feel emotionally exhausted.
Your positive energy is sucked dry, and you only have negative energy.
9. He has a dual personality
When you go out with other people, he is so charming and positive. Everyone who has the chance to talk to him instantly appreciates it. It’s an angel.
But when you are only two, his personality changes. It becomes dark and cruel, without compassion and respect for you.
10. He does not support criticism
It’s a pro when it comes to criticizing others, especially you. He acts as if he knows everything, and he claims to really want to help you.
In the opposite case, except the fact that you really want to help him while he is only pretending, he does not listen.
He will not follow your advice because he truly believes he is perfect as he is.
11. He is full of excuses
He expects you to drop everything when he needs you, but when you need him, he always has something better to do.
He always has an excuse not to do what you want.
12. He dramatizes everything
Nothing is ever simple with him in your life.
You probably even wonder sometimes if you are not in a Spanish soap opera because all situations are so similar. There are so many dramas happening.
13. He needs to be validated all the time
Narcissists have this need to prove themselves, especially to those who doubt them.
It’s something that constantly disturbs them, and almost everything they do is to prove to everyone that they are perfect, that they have succeeded in life.
What he does is not because he wants to be a better man. It is not because he wants to prove himself that he can do it, but because he wants to boast to everyone that he is great.
14. There is the only perfection that counts
He will not stop until he gets what he wants and what he wants. So nothing is good enough until it’s perfect.
It’s a rather bad personality trait, and it’s characteristic for narcissists because the pursuit of perfection means getting what you want at all costs – even if it means crushing people, they do not care.
They will do whatever it takes.
15. He does not understand empathy
You probably tried to talk to him about something that bothered you. You probably did not get anything back.
Your misery and suffering mean nothing to him because they do not concern him or affect him directly.
He understands empathy only when he has something to do with him. When another person suffers, he does not care.
He will even refocus the conversation you have on himself.
16. He has a defense mechanism
Believe it or not, there is a reason why all narcissists are bad and cold.
There must have been a trigger that made them like that, probably when they were still young.
A narcissist will flee if you accidentally get him cracked and understand why he’s doing what he’s doing.
They have huge emotional walls built around them, and they will not demolish them for anyone.
They learned that vulnerability is a sign of weakness that they can not let anyone see.
17. It breaks you up and repairs you right after
It’s like one of his hobbies. In the normal world, the person who made you suffer, the one who has broken you, has no right to return to your life.
This person does not have the right to help you heal because it is because of her that you must heal.
The logical thing to do is to get away from that person and deal with what is happening to you.
This is not the case when you are with a narcissist. A narcissist will break you and come back to comfort you.
You will be confused, but by the time you are broken, consolation is all you need, so of course, you take what you can get. This is the game he plays.
18. He never lets go of the past
Never. He remembers what you were arguing about a year ago.
It’s like keeping a diary of everything you’ve said or done wrong, and he makes sure you never forget it either.
Whenever you start an argument, it evokes the past.
There is a reason he does this. If you’ve noticed, when you win the argument and have nothing more to say, it takes out what you’ve done in the past and opens a box of Pandora’s disputes that never ends.
19. He emotionally abuses you
When you love someone, the chances of realizing that this person is abusing you emotionally are very slim.
After being abused for a while, you get used to it. This behavior becomes normal for you.
After a while, you start looking for excuses for your partner.
You begin to justify his behavior because you still love this person, and you hope that this is just a phase. And that will stop.
He is aware of the fact that you love him, and he takes the opportunity to do whatever he wants because he knows you will come back every time.
20. Love is not what you thought
He convinced you by the way he treats you that love is a one-way street – you give and get nothing in return.
He made you think that’s what he’s supposed to look like. Well, it’s not!
Narcissists are unable to love anyone except themselves. Because to love someone, you first have to love yourself.