Why can not I stop thinking of you – we were never together!

You were never my friend. Sure, we flirted and danced together in your living room and exchanged back massages in your bedroom. Sure, we cuddled and pretended to watch TV while our bodies were squeezed together in an act more intimate than sex.

Sure, we kissed, your lips were on my mouth and neck, while your hands were around my hips. But we have never been together, so why can not I stop thinking of you?

You sneaked on when you realized that everyone else looked away. You put your arm around me when you saw these men staring. We had a connection that was more than casual. Real friendship mixed with our flirting. The laughter and inside jokes mixed with sexual tension. But none of us did anything about it, so why can not I stop thinking of you?

I still hear your voice singing softly in my car, hoping that I can not hear it. I can still smell your perfume and the scent that thickened when we hugged each other too long for a few moments. I still see your eyes flicking down to my lips and waiting for another kiss – we acted as if it meant nothing. But it’s been months since we’ve met, so why can not I stop thinking of you?

We stopped talking about nothing. We no longer have any contact, in a world full of communication routes. We never said goodbye and I still do not know why that is. And if we ever met again, we would not acknowledge the lack of the conclusion.

No, we would pretend that everything was normal, as if we were two platonic friends, as we always have. Nothing has ever happened and nothing will ever happen, so why can not I stop thinking of you?

I spend more time with myself and learn the peculiarities of my mind and my body. I try to find out who I am without you and what I want outside of you. With the realization that enough time for me can heal the loneliness with which you have infected me. And I’m happy now, so why can not I stop thinking of you?

I met a new man who stole your title as the love of my life. He keeps me like you and kisses me like you. Except that he exists in the present form while you are just an exhausting memory floating around in the back of my mind. He will never run away or say goodbye. He is not like you, either in the good or the bad way. But he loves me and he helped me to learn to love me. He helped me learn a lot of things.

And that’s why I’ll finally stop thinking about you.


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