I can already see from here the anger of the male in the face of this somewhat provocative title.
Let me correct it right off the bat: NOT ALL men are bad guys.
On the other hand, women have this feeling more and more and this is the reason why I would like to explore with them the motivations behind the often abusive behavior of certain men.
The role of men has changed over time
Decades ago, people’s roles were clearly defined.
The men went to work, they were the main breadwinner in the family, and the women stayed at home. They were in charge of the household and looked after the children as well as the home.
Correct men were strong and protective. They didn’t cry in public (or in private for that matter).
No question of being involved in messy things like childbirth or the first years of children’s lives.
The women were the most sensitive, delicate souls who bowed to their mate’s rules.
They held all positions of power: in the workplace, in government, and at home.
Men made the laws for everyone and, as an aside, women couldn’t even vote until the turn of the 20th century.
Fast forward to the 21st century and it’s a whole different story
Men are now expected to be present at the birth of their child. Both genders work the same hours. And, ultimately, men also need to help with household chores.
Men are encouraged to talk about their feelings but we still expect them to be a strong and supportive partner.
But it’s not just about men. The roles of many women have also changed.
And women ?
Women are now defending their rights. They no longer take men’s rules into account, at least more entirely. They also establish their own rules.
How does this changing landscape affect people?
Well, while it’s tempting to think that society may have changed, attitudes are still pretty fixed in reality. Frozen in the 1950s.
Research suggests that even though we think we have changed and evolved, we still place certain very specific values on people.
Namely that characteristics such as beauty, honesty, kindness and compassion are still considered feminine values. And on the other hand, words such as strength, financial engine and power are always attributed to men.
Afterwards, it is true that we live in a time when people show a need for equality between the genders. In doing so, we combat decades, if not centuries, of programming.
These fights and these long years of traditions can lead some men to behave in an absolutely despicable way.
Far be it from me to defend them but believe me, it is worth going to see in depth what is hidden behind the worst boorish.
Unfortunately, this does not prevent you from falling on psychopaths and other disturbed noggins, let’s be realistic.
1. He’s insecure, which leads to overreactions.
Some men are aggressive because they have deep insecurities that they don’t talk about. Their meanness can take the form of excessive control or jealousy.
These are people who find it difficult to manage their emotions.
When they fail, they find it difficult to start over. If, on the contrary, they succeed, then they believe that they have reached heaven on their own.
All extremes are vicious, but the abuser tends to look favorably on extremism and even applies it to himself.
They have no real self-criticism and at the same time they judge themselves harshly, but superficially.
Besides, they tend to become easily depressed. And they often fall into depths from which hardly anyone can save them.
This is due to their low self-esteem which keeps them in a permanent state of anxiety with a tendency to pretend to be victims.
Their insecurities might manifest like this: if this man is your date, he starts by asking you what you’re wearing and then says you look s*l*pe or that you dress like a tramp.
These kind of men full of insecurities often use these to put you down.
He’ll also tell you that you’re lucky he supports you or that no one else is likely to be interested in you.
2. He doesn’t realize he’s misbehaving
We can better understand why men can seem mean if we take a closer look at the way they communicate and the way we women communicate.
For example, imagine an adulterous relationship where the woman sees a married man.
He sends her messages and sees her when he can but it’s obviously difficult because of the situation with his wife.
Let’s say that one day he sends her a message telling her that he is taking his wife on vacation for a fortnight, so that she does not call him or communicate with him at all.
The woman will not necessarily want to understand the request as it presents itself, she will dig into every detail and ask herself the REAL reasons behind this message. While it is rather clear: no contact because he will be with his partner.
Women tend to overanalyze, whether in verbal or written form. While men are not too fond of this practice.
Women also place more importance on what is said. So what a man thinks is acceptable may not be for a woman.
We return to the traditional roles of men: the strong protector, bringing food to the family. Cavemen are expected to fight or die. Even to this day, men are expected to be strong and powerful.
However, these days, there are no saber-toothed tigers to fight. Also, they don’t have any weapons at their disposal, but they still need to look strong.
So what are they doing? They use their words to attack and maim instead.
3. He doesn’t love you anymore
A lot of people act like this because the relationship is over and they can’t tell you. So they believe that if they treat you badly, you will end it.
This saves them the trouble and responsibilities that come with it.
It’s a cowardly way to end a relationship but men don’t like drama.
Acting mean towards you is a way for them to shirk the responsibility of being a mature adult.
It’s also a way to end a relationship without feeling guilty.
Maybe he’s seeing someone else and he feels bad about it. So the last thing he wants is a double dose of blame.
4. He was a spoiled child
Some parents fail to raise their child(ren) properly: the well-known child king problem.
Ainis, a spoiled child grows up into an adult who thinks he has every right and is special.
This type of men does not understand that he must work to succeed. He will squander every opportunity given to him and then blame others when things don’t go as planned.
These former child kings never take responsibility for their actions.
They go through life with disdain, expecting everything to be delivered to them on a silver platter. If you deny them their “rights”, they can become mean and aggressive.
This is how a bad upbringing can lead to narcissistic individuals.
If a child does not learn that every act has a consequence, he will become an odious and impossible being.
5. His father was mean
Sounds like an excuse but research backs it up.
Both men and women, it is extremely difficult to have healthy emotional relationships when the example set by your parents was not healthy.
If you were taught to confront others by being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or not to get too close because you might get hurt, it’s hard to realize that’s not normal as an adult.
The relationship with parents is the first relationship you will form and it can have a domino effect later in life.
Therefore, if a boy grows up watching his father constantly put his mother down, he will think that is the right behavior.
But don’t think it’s necessarily physical abuse, it could be the way he was talking to her. Or even how he expected things to go (cooking, nickel house, etc.)
He could treat her as if she were his slave; he may have shown her no respect by coming home drunk and late. Spending the household budget on himself and granting him no money.
If the abuser had a father who financially or emotionally controlled his wife, this set a bad example for him.
In fact, men who find it normal to use women may have had a controlling father.
6. He is very stressed
Having a bad day is no excuse for being disrespectful.
That said, we can all remember a time when we’ve been very mean to someone for no other reason than having a bad day or being in a bad mood.
When people are tired or stressed, they have a reduced ability to control their behavior, get irritated easily, and sometimes pick on innocent people.
If someone close to you often acts this way and you know it’s because they’re stressed for other reasons, try talking to them about their problem and reminding them that their behavior makes you difficulty.
Also, the difference is that when women have problems, they turn to their friends for advice and support.
But when men have a problem, they feel like they have to solve it themselves.
They also have a visceral fight-or-flight response within them that women may not feel as much.
In fact, when men come up against something that cannot be easily solved, it causes them great stress and anxiety. And since they were taught from an early age not to show their emotions…
It’s not irreversible
A man with a bad temper can change, but only if he’s willing to put his mind to it.
To change, he will need to understand what is creating his outbursts and decide on new ways to respond to them.
The wisest choice is often to seek the help of a therapist. I don’t think it’s a woman’s job or responsibility to play the therapist anyway.
If you’re dealing with a guy like this, tell him you think he should talk to a counselor, join an anger management group, or read a book on the subject.
Just remind him that there are resources to help him deal with his anger issues, but above all, don’t get too involved!