I do not let anyone think I’m leaving because I do not love you. For a second I would like someone to think that I want to close this door because I really want it.
Not for a second will, I pretend that’s the result I wanted.
It should be between us. It should be the relationship of my life. As long as I looked into my future, I thought to spend it with you. I imagined the perfect relationship with you. I introduced ourselves as best friends.
I imagined an amazing life in which I could handle everything that was put in my way as long as I had you.
Well, just imagine, it did not work. I did not get a happy ending. The fairy tale did not end with us both.
Instead, it ended countless times as I gasped for air as I cried in my car and sent you messages asking me how you could do that to me again.
You have disappointed me again. Every time it went well between us, you disappointed me. Every time it started well, when I fell in love, you disappointed me.
As long as I can remember, I put you first. I have put your wishes and needs far too long before mine.
I was so caught up in love for you. I wanted so much to have a happy ending with you, that I had forgotten the most important part: loving myself.
I lost myself by loving you. I did not care about my own needs and desires. I did not do what was best for me. I started to do whatever it takes to hold on to the idea in my head that things would end well with me and you.
But it’s time for me to wake up. It’s time for me to wake up and realize that the person I’ve fallen in love with is no longer there. The person I fell in love with, who made me the center of their world and leaned backward for me, left my life long ago.
In the meantime, I fought for someone who is not there. I fought so hard to get back the old YOU that I lost the old ME.
I stopped loving myself. I stopped doing things for myself. And it’s time for that to change.
It’s time I learned to love myself again. It’s time I got my old self back.
So no. I’m not leaving because I do not love you. I am leaving because it is time for me to learn to love myself more.
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