Here’s a guide to what sides, shades, and tools for self-medicating the zodiac signs are bringing to Thanksgiving this year.
As we gather to overindulge in honor of our most fraught of national holidays, we are here to offer a different kind of dish, a round-up of what each zodiac sign brings — or doesn’t bring — to the table.
We serve this generous helping of zodiac shade alongside the knowledge that the true history and legacy of Thanksgiving continue to be dangerously and deliberately misrepresented and mythologized.
Let it be said, let it be acknowledged, and let us be better. And now let us turn our attention to the stars that govern us.
How do our zodiac signs inform the kind of holiday guest/host/misanthrope we are? Are we fresh or frozen? Boxed wine or a good bottle? From scratch or the store? Helpful or liable to cause a structure fire?
This article pairs well with Thanksgiving 2022, teenage angst, avoiding your mom, and this rundown of the zodiac signs as wine. Read on, dig in, and drink up.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Scorched earth-fried turkey
Aries, the fire starter of the zodiac is also the most likely to insist on deep-frying a turkey. Predictably, they will fail to read the instructions or follow safety protocols. Bad news: The house is engulfed in flames. Good news: The bone structure of the average Aries is solid enough to support an absence of eyebrows.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Potatoes
Little known fact: Inside the chest of every Taurus beats not a heart but a Yukon Gold potato. The people of the bull will take your casseroles, your twice-baked, your mashed, and your scalloped. Never the sort to let gluttony stand in the way of glamour, bulls will spend Thanksgiving stacking the starch from the comfort of a velvet tracksuit.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Spilled tea
Geminis can survive on a diet of gossip and doom scrolling.
Gemini will generally forget to bring the side dish they either burned or never planned to make, so they’re bringing nothing but hot takes, unsolicited opinions, tangents, half-truths, and divorce predictions to the dinner table this year.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
W**d
Feelings are hard, bro, and feelings plus family plus the crushing weight of ancestral trauma equals too heavy a burden for the crab folk to bear without a crutch. Practitioners of discreet but extensive self-care, you’ll find Cancer in the upstairs bathtub, dancing in the air and ugly-crying. Bless.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
A camera
Still sore that their Mom didn’t read their blog in high school, Leo folk are primed to bring the video camera to their family gathering. Leos will lean into recording the dinner table conversation with plans to turn the dramatics and infighting into a one-person off-Broadway play — starring, no drum roll necessary, themselves. Validation or vengeance? Why choose?
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Tupperware
Virgos will typically insist on hosting because they know full well no one else is capable. They will pretend to have fun while secretly fantasizing about the moment everyone leaves and they can clean the kitchen and watch terrible reality television in sacred, spotless solitude.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Handwoven tablecloth
Ever-seeking to smooth things over or at the very least cover them up when the company is coming, Libra hopes their offering and the intricate embroidery of the artisan tablecloth will distract from the plain fact that they are self-medicating, disassociating, and or hanging on by a thread.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing
As the investigator and unexpected moral compass of the zodiac, Scorpio is likely to conscientiously object to celebrating a holiday that is, in essence, a pumpkin-flavored commemoration of colonial genocide. Respect.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Mushroom chocolates
Maybe if we could all get a little weird, we could all get along: That is the guiding principle of the terminally optimistic Sagittarius who is likely to show up half-drunk with a good-looking stranger on their arm and a deck of playing cards in their pocket. In terms of familial archetypes, Sag is the cool uncle who tells a rambling story about his latest bout with malaria.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Macaroni and cheese
Capricorn will bring a pan of macaroni and cheese, as it is cost-effective, and utilitarian and refuses to pander to those weak enough to have food allergies. The dairy-bound dish is emblematic of the sign itself — perpetually charged with keeping it all together.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Something terrible with lentils
Galvanized by surrealist films and Kim Kardashian’s pro-vegan Instagram Stories, Aquarius, the uncontested cult leader of the zodiac, might declare that meat is murder and shame/shade anyone who reaches for a drumstick or looks longingly at the spiral ham. Keeping us aspirational water bearer, we appreciate you.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Boxed Drink
Pisces people invariably show up late to Friendsgiving — and in yesterday’s clothes. They smile and bop around the kitchen, asking if anyone needs help and with zero intention of providing it. They shelve the boxed drink they brought and open something expensive that they didn’t. Stay cute.
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