Meeting this man was like being hit by a freight train. I didn’t see it coming and it knocked the wind out of my body …
I was always the type who either was there … or for whom you simply don’t exist. There was rarely an interlude, and finding a guy who caught my attention so much was a rare, almost unique event.
We met in a bar and the chemistry between and was electrical. I was fascinated like never before. I wanted to know his whole story, I wanted to immerse myself in this story, I needed him in my life and I couldn’t figure out how I ever existed before him.
We were in this happy, loving phase for about two weeks when the bubble burst. He got a disturbing phone call one night and spent an hour outside the apartment trying to keep calm and not thinking the worst thing I like to do.
But it was bad. It was his ex-girlfriend. And then the turn – he and she actually only split up a week before our meeting! He was in the bar that night for his first night as a single in almost two years.
And then he met me. And then she somehow found out about me and now she was mad and thought she wanted him back. And he thought maybe he wanted her back. And why, oh why, nothing ever works for me?
It took him a week to find out where he was with her. It was a week when I was barely able to take a breath. And then one day I got a blessed call from him saying that it was completely over with her, and if I wanted to do something that night? Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes!
And so a beautiful love story started.
Was just a joke. It was a mess. A terrible, toxic, dependent mess. But I needed him. And he needed me. And that was enough. Except that there was one thing I really wanted …
So, my “friend”, the guy I spent every night with, the guy I basically did everything with and I did everything for, wouldn’t call me his girlfriend.
He just didn’t want to do it. He said we were together. We didn’t meet other people. So that was nice and everything, but he was still technically “single” and I wasn’t his girlfriend.
He said that he was just too scarred from his previous relationship, that the title was more a psychological thing for him, that he would never officially make a relationship on Facebook again (remember that part!), That he never did that will be quick to call a woman his girlfriend (remember this part too!).
Of course he liked me, of course I was something special, but he just didn’t like labels and I should just let it go.
So I dropped it. And I tried to show him that I am the best “friend” ever. I did everything for him. I cooked, I cleaned, I was supportive, I was there whenever he needed me. I basically gave up on myself and my life to serve him.
It was so bad in many ways, but this isn’t an article about the dangers of being in a toxic relationship. This is something else.
It’s about staying with a guy who doesn’t want to commit and convincing yourself that somehow you still have that deep, magical relationship.
OK, long story short, our relationship was bad. Then he broke up with me and it was terrible and sad. And in fact, for the first time, he told me that he loved me while we parted. No man had ever said that to me before, but it actually only made the pain worse.
I didn’t think I could survive without him. I didn’t know how I would exist. But somehow I did that. Somehow I found the strength and somehow I found someone new. And it was great!
We started dating, and I was just in awe of the ease with which it was all possible. But then he came back. One night he called me and begged me to see me. I resisted, but let’s face it, I didn’t have the strength or conviction to have a big fight when it came to him.
So he came over, I told him I was seeing someone else, and he totally lost it and he needed me back. After a few weeks of thinking, I made my fateful decision. I chose him. And he finally gave me the love and dedication that I was desperately looking for!
No, just kidding. That didn’t happen. He still didn’t call me his girlfriend, our relationship was still terribly toxic and addicted, and I still loved tying him up, even though I knew it was much better out there. There were better things at my fingertips and I let him go!
The way he fought to get me back meant something to me. I thought it meant that he needed me, that he couldn’t live without me, that we would somehow make it.
Then summer came and I went home for a summer internship before starting my final year of study. And then he cheated on me. Well, I guess, I never really knew if it was technically fraud, because technically we didn’t have an official relationship.
But it really felt that way. And that wasn’t even the worst … Two weeks later, she was his official girlfriend! Not just officially, Facebook officially too. How? What? Why? HOW???
I felt like I was beaten. It cannot be real. That does not make sense. I immediately called him to understand something and it was like speaking to a cold stranger. He didn’t offer me much insight beyond that: “Well, it’s what it is. What can I say?”
For me that meant one thing: I just wasn’t good enough. She has something that I don’t have. It is something that I am not. But what?
And so my long spiral began to discover why I was not good enough and how I should behave.
I just couldn’t understand it. He told me that he can’t have a relationship right now. Was it just a lie?
I know that I am not the first to ask this question. I hear it from my readers all the time! And here’s the truth of the matter …
He just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
I know it’s hard, I know it’s painful But that’s just the truth. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t a match, maybe it was something he couldn’t put his finger on that held him back. Anyway, he just didn’t want to be with you.
Years after our turbulent relationship, he and I became business partners. With time and perspective, it was so clear to me what a terrible couple we really were. We are great as friends and business partners, but as a couple, not so much.
And maybe that’s what he felt inside, maybe that’s what held him back. But it didn’t matter. Our relationship was never good. Even if it was good, it was not good.
We were two broken people who tried to hide from our broken nature by spending every waking second together. That doesn’t make a healthy relationship.
The girl who came after me was different. She didn’t know he was broken. With her, he had the opportunity to get up and change into a new person. And he has that too. He was a completely different person with her than he ever was with me.
With her, he was the one I always wanted, and that only made things worse. But their relationship didn’t last long and was over in less than two years. This is how the game of love works.
The point is that you have to take your words at face value. When he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he’s serious. The reasons don’t matter, the facts do. I would have saved myself from so many years of torture and turmoil if I had only taken it at face value. And I see women who keep making mistakes.
Yes, there is a jagged knife in your heart to see the guy who couldn’t commit to you fixing himself on someone else.
All that really means is that he is not right for you and never was right. The right guy for you wants to be with you. And it’s really, seriously not personal.
You have no control over how someone else feels. All you can control is to be your best self and make yourself a vessel for love. That’s it.
If you do that and it doesn’t work, it would never have worked. That is really all you need to know.