Have you ever felt that you can not control your emotions?
As if your heart was struggling against your mind every time you wanted to beat?
That’s exactly what I feel every time I think of you.
Whenever I miss you, I have trouble breathing, and not being next to you physically hurts my body.
That’s how I feel every time I think of all the years I’ve lost to clinging to the memory of you, knowing very well that I never cross your mind.
Every time I have to admit to myself that I still love you with all my being.
That’s exactly what I feel every time I miss you, knowing you should not.
Knowing that you do not deserve me to give you one more thought. Knowing that I should fire you from my system, as I fired you from my life a long time ago.
I want you to stop existing in me. I want to forget that you were part of my life. I want you to die in my memory.
I want to stop ironing our whole relationship in my head.
To stop thinking about all the possibilities we have not used. To think about what we could have become.
I want you to stop being the first thing that comes to my mind every morning when I wake up.
To be able to sleep at night without having to delude myself, imagining that you are on the other side of the bed, at an arm distance.
I want to stop hoping it’s you calling every time my phone rings.
To stop waiting for you to come from nowhere, telling me that you can not get out of my head either.
Whenever I miss you, I want to remember all those horrible things you did to me. I want to remember that you never loved me enough.
How I spent years at your side to settle for simple crumbs.
Remember how you let me go, without moving a finger to at least try to keep me around.
I want to be able to forgive you all the pain, all the humiliation and all the trauma that you left behind.
Forgetting the vengeance and resentment that devoured me all raw. I want to erase you from my memory.
I want to be smarter and wiser. I want to know better.
I want to leave the past behind and finally move on in my life, as you did. I want to see you as nothing more than a lesson that has made me stronger.
I want to stop loving you, wanting you and missing you.
Because, let’s face it, you’re not the man I should miss. After all, what exactly do I miss?
Is it these lonely nights I spent while you were heating another person’s bed that I miss? All these phone calls you never answered?
All these lost years waiting for you to regain your spirits and become the man I’ve always wanted you to be?
All these times did you make me feel like your second choice?
Is it the fact of never knowing what you feel that I miss? All the time I spent trying to understand you and the fact that I was the only one trying to build something of our relationship?
Do I regret the way you spit on everything I gave you?
Like the fact that you have never appreciated my efforts and my sacrifices; and have never given anything back?
Are the constant disputes and dramas I miss?
Is it the fact of having someone who mistreats me emotionally that I miss, with whom I felt I was never enough?
Because if that’s the case, I must be crazy and stupid. However, despite this, the hard truth is that my heart wants you to come back, even if it should not.
My body, my senses and my emotions want to return to our rare happy days. I want to run in your arms, as if the time has not passed.
Yes, I am as stupid as that. I am so weak that I do not have the ability to order my heart otherwise or to take control of it.
I am not strong enough to control my thoughts, desires and emotions. Not strong enough to not miss you any more.