Losing you hurts like hell. It still hurts. I felt lost, and the more I thought about it, I realized it was true – I lost you.
I loved you so much. I loved you with everything my heart, body, and soul had to offer.
After you broke me and the damage was done, I realized that I had not recognized any of the broken pieces of mine scattered on the floor.
I was not that girl. I was not the girl who cried herself to sleep, the girl who called a guy, hoping he’d pick her up, the girl who agreed to be a second option, and I was whole Surely not the girl who was waiting for a guy to make his decision. Nevertheless, I was a girl …
There are so many times that I break myself apart, analyze every conversation, ask myself what I could have done differently.
I did that myself for months because I knew you would not lose sleep over it. I put on your T-shirts because even the smallest piece of you brought me comfort.
It did not happen overnight, but I remember asking myself one morning: why do I let him do that to me?
That was the day I realized how much I had given myself up and how much I had changed to match what your idea of perfect was.
I started to do the things I loved again. Actually, I never realized that I had given it up at all.
I started going out with my friends, going out, and experiencing a lot of new things. I heard the music that I loved. I drove with lowered windows and sang out my heart and realized that I would go through this.
Slowly but surely, I recognized myself. Even nicer was that this new self was an even better self than before you.
I realized that my heart stops racing when my phone rings, hoping it’s you.
I stopped worrying about what you would post on social media. I did not care what you wanted to tell me. And how great I felt when I put your things in a box and sent them back to you because I did not need them anymore.
Honestly, after all, that you’ve done to me and after this roller coaster of emotions, I’m really sorry for you.
You really missed something, I could have given you everything. I no longer feel sorry for myself because I know you could not give me what I needed – I deserve every gram of love and effort I give.
There are times when I repeat memories of ourselves in my head and I find myself smiling again and start missing you.
I’m grateful for that because I’ll always look back at things I’ve shared with you and do not regret it. I loved you, and although things did not work out as well as I had hoped, you were still the first person I loved and opened up.
One day I will find someone to do that for me.
Maybe it will be when you realize that you are ready to love me. But how sad it will be for you when you find out I’ve found someone who’s been willing to love me right from the start.
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