I chose you. And that’s my fault. But I did not know that falling in love with you would mean that I would not love myself anymore. I did not know that my decision to vote would mean that I would stop choosing myself – and before I knew it, my attitude and my happiness became totally dependent on you.
I wanted this to work more than anything else. I loved you with every fibre of my being. Everyone told me to be careful, but I did not listen. I fell in love. In a moment we looked at each other, and before I knew what was happening, it happened all at once. I totally fell in love with you and never looked back.
You also fell in love with me. You could not fake these touches, those kisses that melt your heart, that intense eye contact that sends chills down your spine, all the feelings that come to life, walls that fall down. But a part of me knew that you were not ready.
Part of me knew that you used me.
When you realized that I’m not easy – because I would not just go with the stream – that I would confront you and challenge you, you stopped choosing me. When I stopped being practical, you stopped loving me. But you do not know how to love properly.
Your misconduct has manifested in many ways. I started to question myself. My self-confident, temperamental nature, full of fire, slowly gave way to some uncertainty. I was so insecure and angry because you made me that way. You broke the person who loved you the most.
I felt that you are slowly stopping to favour me. You lied to me all the time. You betrayed me. You contacted other women and knew how much it hurt me. All the times you have insulted me. All the times you did not care. When you did not answer me. When you turned off your phone. When you let me down. Left me.
Everything that got in your way got black – just like me.
I began to question my value. Am I too broken, too angry, too “crazy”, too emotional? Did I wear anything too sloppy? ”
I’ve done something I swear never to do again, I did not love myself anymore.
But I know that our relationship has changed you too. Like a vampire of feeling, you sucked my love. I loved all your falseness, all the parts of you that you so much hate. I wiped your tears as you talked about your father, I kissed your edges, I loved all your rudeness.
I have worshipped those parts of you that you showed me now and then – my love has warmed you, your imperfections, it has changed you. But unfortunately, she could not change your inner core. I loved your imperfections, but you did not love mine.
You broke me a little bit more every day. Puncture wounds at heart. I do not deserve it. I do not deserve your compulsive need to defeat and control me. I do not deserve the lies. The manipulation. And yet, I’ve withdrawn you so often because I believe in people, and simply because I loved you too much.
But I can not take more time to damage myself by waiting for you to become whole. And I’m not letting you manipulate that – you’re so good at it. You are responsible for your actions. Over time, toxicity felt like a norm. And I let you treat me that way. It’s my fault.
On the days when I felt so self-confident, so beautiful, so good about myself – you could totally crush it in a second.
I will never choose a poisonous person again. Nobody has this power over me.
I will never again allow you to bully me and suck my love out.
You got what you wanted from me, and now you are running away from the past – your deeds, your lies. But the past can overtake us all in a funny way. And that will break you as you have broken me.
It’s so horrible and corrosive how long I need to trust someone. But I do not want the compassion of others, I do not want labels, such as the one who has problems leaving. The one who keeps you at a distance. The one who wants to fill a gap. The ones with the trust problems. Because that’s just part of me, but the part I have to fight every time someone tries to get close to me anyway.
And yet I do not regret it. You have NOT chosen me because I was too broken, too difficult – because you were broken. And there’s nothing I could have done otherwise than say goodbye and give my love to someone worthy of love.