It breaks me to say goodbye to you. I wanted with every fibre of my being to make it. I wanted the words you say not to be lies. I wanted to prove that your reputation is not what everyone claims. I wanted everyone to be wrong about you.
And maybe they will do it someday. Maybe I gave up too soon. Maybe one day you will be the man you played all the time. I even know that you will one day be. Maybe that’s why I stuck to it for so long.
But I want you to know that I forgive you all this.
And though I forgive you, I can not sit here and wait for you to become the person you should be. The cost is self-destruction. The price is that you hurt me.
I can not sit here and wait for the respect I’ve earned all along. I can not sit here and wait to be loved when I have given the best of myself. I can not sit here and play a game. It’s like a game of Jumanji. Either something kills me on the way, or I stop it right away.
But I do not have it in me to finish it. And frankly, I think I live only half alive because of you right now. Because you’ve chewed and spat everything I am. And I’m not the same person I was before I fell in love with you. I did not know that the love of you would throw me down so much on the floor just to be kicked every time I went to my knees.
I forgive you for your mistakes in the past. I forgive you for the person you were. I know that you’re probably not the same anymore, or maybe you’re on your way to improving yourself. But, the same poisonous person turned everything on the black, including me.
I do not deserve to be used. I do not deserve to be talked to the way you did. I do not deserve the quarrels, the screaming and the tears. I did not deserve these things, but I tolerated them. I tolerated it and over time it felt like a norm. And that’s my fault.
I appreciated the good days we had, because I was so glad they were not bad days.
But you always made me nervous. You let me run on egg shells. I stared at my phone for a few minutes and at the message I wanted to send you, only to have it disappear, and nothing was said. It was as if you knew I was staring at it and waiting. Then I said something and you ignore me … because I was too annoying for you.
Do you know what was annoying me? Waking up each evening at 2am in a cold sweat and wondering what I am doing in this regard. However, it was not even defined as a relationship. One day you loved me and one day you hated me.
One day we were “just friends” and the next day you laughed at me and said that we can never just be friends, and I knew it too. You were neither a buddy nor a friend, but certainly an enemy. Every sign and all friends told me to let you go.
Do you know what it’s like to look at someone you love with all your heart, and to believe in him despite all doubts?
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get away from the person you love most?
You do not know because you did not love me.
But remember my word, one day you will know.
You will learn to love me in my absence. And that’s the worst kind of love.
Love is not a pain. I know that much. Even when you were the worst, I never wanted to hurt you. If someone deserves pain, it is you. But I never wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me.
And I do not think you saw the full impact of what you did to me.
I knew that you were the one who was responsible. But you laughed when I said such things. You have told me that the only reason why I am destroyed is my past. It was almost as if you were justifying your bad behaviour because others treated me badly before.
You should have been the one to prove to me that I did not deserve this. But you said it was my fault. Maybe I was destroyed by the others in front of you, but they never broke me the way you did. They did not charge me the way you did. I overcame her, but I could not overcome you.
You have made me so callous. I thought that was normal.
I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive the person you were because I know that you are no longer the same. But the person you were burned a lot of people. And you burned the one person who loved you the most. You liked my attention. You loved knowing that someone loves you even though you could not love yourself.
I want you to know. Even though you’ve broken away from your past, even a past you ran away from has a way to sneak up onto you. You think you can hide every skeleton in your closet, but at some point, the past will come back to persecute you. It will ruin you the way you ruined me.
Run, my dear. Run as far and fast as you can. If you have come far enough, you will regret it.
Remember, it’s a long, lonely road to the top, when all you’ve done so far is stepping on people like me to get there.
You’ve pushed me over and over again and asked if I hate you … I think I do now.
I hate you for letting me think that’s normal.
But I love you enough to hate you. Because that’s my only chance to forget you …