We have no relationship, but we are definitely not friends, I’m sure. We live in the grey area of the in-between and have been for some time.
I do not know how, but we always seem to find the way to each other no matter how far away we have gone. We let each other in with open arms, knowing that we are probably the worst two people on Earth who are together – or “somehow” together.
But I can not do that anymore.
Relationships should not be so complicated and difficult. Healthy relationships should not make me cry to sleep at night and wake me up in the late hours of the night when my phone goes off, and I do not even need to check and I know it’s you.
You hold me on tiptoe and I know that you know – you just know how to wrap me around your finger and you do that very well.
We are not what we really need, but we have gone through so much that it almost seems like we are an extension of the other. There are moments when I believe I could not work without you.
There are things that I encounter in life, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in that. But then there are these moments when I deal with it alone, and I need you and you are not there.
We know each other in a way no one else does. We have a past of regret, and the only good thing that came out of it was that you had each other. And if you had asked me years ago if our life is still that repetitive song in the circle in which we move, I would deny it. But, here we are.
There is something quite exciting about a hideous poisonous mud that makes you wonder if it kills you or not. There is something tempting to take the risk and play with the fire in the hope that you will not get burned. But we burn each other so much and it does not even hurt anymore.
I want you to know a few things. I wanted us to go ahead and make it. I wanted us to come to the top, hoping to tell everyone that they were wrong about you. I wanted us to come out of this whirlwind together that we created by sucking each other and spitting each other out. I wanted us to do it.
There is no denying love that hides under the ashes of the chaos we have created. But I can no longer wait with false hope for us to get out of this situation. I’m not the one who ever gives up people. I know that you know that’s the case with me. But I can not always let you in and out of my life and ask me where we are right now. We get along in a second and yell at each other the next.
Notwithstanding all, I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that if there was reason to believe we could do it, I would have endured it. But it’s an unhealthy vicious circle that has to be stopped. I know that I will get my fairy tale, but it probably will not be with you.
You can only hurt people so much until they have no choice but to go away.
So I go with a heavy heart, full of tears and say goodbye to you. You have to let me go this time. You have to let me learn how to grow without you. You do not have to pursue me. Because I know that I am not strong enough not to turn around. So I ask you, let me go.
And if I go away, I will go with the confidence that if we are destined to be, we will be. Until then, when I see you down the street and you’re only there when that last thing is a thing of the past. Please stop me only if you can love me the way I deserve.
I love you with my whole heart. Sadly, it does not mean that the feelings are always reciprocated when you love someone with all your heart.
And though it was not a relationship, you were almost everything I needed.
Nearly.
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