Have you ever loved a man so strong, immeasurable and naive that you thought you were a happy girl you found “happy to the end of your days” in a man? Well, I did. Has it happened to you that you loved the wrong guy and still believed that he was the right person? It already happened to me.
After him, things kept slipping out of my hands. After him, happiness is something I only heard stories of. And sadness came to me in waves. The memories took turns and I was overwhelmed by the emotions they brought.
For a long time, I wondered if I could grasp the meaning of my life again. I wondered if I would ever get back to normal or if I could ever love again. God knows that love was far, far away from me. God knows I almost gave up.
I was not always like that. I was one of those happy women who were always thankful for what they had. I was one of those who enjoyed their lives, smiled and laughed every day, and I was one of those who enthusiastically went to sleep and raved about the new day.
But a date with a narcissist has completely changed me. I was not half the person I was once he was done with me. The same excitement I had in the morning before we met turned into a fear of getting out of bed. My happiness was replaced by fear.
For a long time, I was ashamed that he changed me. For a long time, I was ashamed of the person I became, but mostly I was ashamed of allowing him to get the most out of me. I should have known better.
I trusted him.
He made me trust him. He has done everything to convince me that he supports me and that he belongs to me. He made me feel that I could count on him and that he would do everything for me. He made promises, and I always waited for them to be held. But they never did. Because he made me trust him, just so he can betray me and betray me.
Through him, I felt safe.
For a while I thought I could call him to a rescue operation and he would come every day. For a while I thought he was my safe heaven – but he was far from it. He gave me security only to leave my cover. And when I left my cover, his mission was fulfilled because I was completely unprotected from his attack. I did not see it coming.
I loved him.
I have allowed someone who has had multiple broken relationships in the past to be part of my life. I gave my heart, my body and my soul to a man who has no idea what love is. I loved him with every cell of my body, and I gave him my love unconditionally, irrevocably, and selflessly, and I completely lost myself to him. But only because he convinced me that you can teach him love. But you can not teach a narcissist how to love. It’s just not in his system. Love is just an abstract word that he will never feel.
He made me a prisoner of my love.
I stayed with him because I thought it was love. I always believed in love. I believed that humans were created from two bodies and one soul and that I had found my other soul, my other half in him. But he was not my soulmate.
He was someone who overwhelmed me. He was someone who was feeding on my misery. He was someone who needed me down to make him feel good. And I let him do that to me because I was naive. I romanticized my suffering and believed I was a hero in the fight for love. But all I was was stupid because I fell in love with a narcissist.
I lost to a narcissistic person.
I had stopped believing that I deserved to be loved. I lost my confidence. I lost my self-esteem. I let his selfishness win and allowed everything to revolve around him. I let him blame me for everything and let me manipulate him. None of it was amicable, and yet it happened. I lost myself.
But I found myself again.
I went through hell for a man. I was the best version of myself. I gave up everything and did not hold anything back. I wish I could say I did not hear about it – but that’s not how the story ended. I learned a whole new life lesson from it.
Maybe I was a wreck for a while, but I did not want to do that to myself for the rest of my life. That would mean he won and I could not let that happen.
So I picked myself up and began to sew my torn pieces one after the other. I have repaired every hole in my heart individually. I also mended every hole in my soul. I leave my house with my head up, as if what he did to me was nothing.
He went too far beyond me that I had no choice but to show him the door of my life.
Because he treated me that way, I thought I was not worth loving. It took a while, but I realized that I was more than enough – it was he who did not deserve to be loved.