Aries

(March 21 to April 19)

You get a huge bunch of flowers from a complete stranger, from a man so foreign that you honestly have no idea who sent him. You think it’s scary and exciting at the same time. Actually scary, or no, but more exciting.

bull

(April 20 to May 21)

A relative you’ve never met and never heard of dies and leaves you with his fortune of 200 million euros. This will guarantee that you have a friend until next Valentine’s Day – or as many as you want.

Twins

(May 22 to June 21)

Drinking so many rounds of alcohol that forces you to forget both Valentine’s Day and Heartbreak.

cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Chocolate milkshakes, followed by chocolate cake, then a selection of fine chocolate pralines, all topped off with a hot cup of hot chocolate. Then, when your stomach calms down, more chocolate.

lion

(July 23 to August 22)

You want to see two men fighting for the right to have you as their Valentine’s Day. And when I say “fight,” that’s exactly what I mean – you would not have a problem with two men just taking off their shirts and fighting with their bare fists on the street, just to be your Valentine’s Day.

Virgin

(August 23 to September 22)

Just a kiss while standing on a bridge, holding hands and watching the lights of the city shimmer on the river water. And, if possible, just to ask for one more thing, to have no more acne. No way. No way. Never again in your life, and you hope for a long, long life.

Libra

(September 23 to October 22)

You want to see the sunrise and sunset and do nothing during that. Just stay in bed and follow the movements of the sun. And you will not feel like wasting time.

Scorpio

(October 23 to November 22)

A bottle of wine, a table and a violinist … on the lakeshore. With swans. On the other side of the table sits the man you’ve fallen in love within a tuxedo. And he holds a ring …

Sagittarius

(November 23 to December 21)

You want to meet an unknown man in a bar, go to a motel with him and have hard sex, so hard that you lose your head. It was a long winter, was not it? A woman has needs.

Capricorn

(22nd December to 20th January)

Only a Valentine card, that’s all. Just a sign that someone cares so much about you that you get a card. A little pink and red Valentine’s Day card to get you out of this winter darkness. That’s really all it takes to make you happy.

Aquarius

(January 21 to February 18)

You end up having sex with the pizza supplier. Yes, the whole scenario is as cheesy as one of those fake letters to the editor in porn magazines. But yes, you are all alone on Valentine’s Day and you order a pizza. And, well, look at this pizza guy. And, well, he looks at you…

fishes

(19th of February to 20th of March)

You long for a big steak dinner, near a burning log fire, even if you do not eat steak and do not like fireplaces. You want to eat something meaty and fatty and, if it is absolutely necessary, maybe even bloody.

 

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