“I don’t want to rush anything. She’s getting over this person – just like me and you did. And she talks about him from time to time and I smile and just nod my head. Because I know exactly what she’s going through. Yes, because I’ve been there before. If the topic applies to you too… ”
It happened exactly as it was announced. And quickly. In contrast to the past, there were no misunderstandings. There was no confusion, no mess. There was not a bit of uncertainty. It was just watching someone and knowing that this is going to be something special.
I knew that within 5 minutes of first contacting him, I would be asked for a date before I left the store. I admit that I spent a lot more money than I wanted to spend. Since I wanted to talk to him longer. The numbers were exchanged. Or rather, I gave him my number. Not because I wanted to look shy, but because my battery is constantly empty.
While I was plugging my phone into the charger in the car and driving home, there was already a text tone when I switched on.
I didn’t know anyone as confident and sure as he was. All I’ve known so far has been half-hearted love stories.
The conversations were, of course, and the next thing I noticed was that I was finding out the whole life story of someone I didn’t know 24 hours ago.
When I cried myself to sleep that night it totally wiped me out. When I woke up to a good morning text, it was a bit depressing. If you still have to get over someone and get to know someone new, there is no relief from a “finally”. Because you are still hurt and process this pain, even if someone new came into life.
The pain you feel is not because of this new person, but rather because of the reality that strikes you that you have to start moving and try to finally heal.
And there is also the pain of lost love that still reminds of that one person. I still wonder if he changes his mind. Still hurtful but trying to heal. And I know it’s not right.
I was there physically, but I wasn’t mentally.
You want to get over this person, but that will take time. You didn’t ask to fall in love. You didn’t ask to have your heart broken. And you certainly haven’t asked fate to throw someone at your head while you weren’t ready.
But it’s probably the way it should be.
And you don’t fall too deep or too fast. You don’t feel much at all. You become deaf in the sense of a defence mechanism. If pain is all you know, everything that is not pain feels strange.
If you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it’s not enough for them, you don’t even know what you have to offer to another person.
But you actually want to explain it to this person … that’s what I’m going through. You know that he deserves a clear word. You don’t want to put pressure on him because you think he has to heal you. Even if you wish to do your best, it’s all a process.
You don’t want him to feel the way you did when that one person made you feel bad about yourself. Or that you compare him to this person. Instead, you stay silent and try to move forward, even if you are only taking baby steps.
Maybe your heart isn’t quite there. I mean, how could it be?
You are still looking at your cell phone and want to hear from that one person, but at the same time you know that it is best if you don’t. Then you draw attention to someone who gives you the same attention.
Sometimes it is necessary for someone to treat you properly and lovingly. Maybe this someone is not what you want, but maybe he is exactly what you need. Some people may be meant to heal the pain that others cause and love you in a completely unfamiliar way.
We are probably only one level and an unfamiliar encounter away from healing. We may not have to do this alone, maybe it just takes one person to teach us the pain we are feeling right now, and all we have held on to for so long is what we can “finally” let go of.