The key to ultimately finding a love that lasts
Whether you’re completely single and have been for years…or just recently split up after going through a heartbreaking breakup, there’s something I need to draw your attention to. The key to finally finding love.
Many people believe that a “relationship” begins and ends with another warm body, whether it’s your intimate partner, ex, or best friend. But what if I told you that there is another critical relationship that exists in your life forever and ever, right now?
What if this hidden relationship was the FOUNDATION for creating healthy, clear love with another human being?
You see, it’s often the neglect of this hidden relationship that throws all your romantic endeavors off the rails. In fact, if that relationship isn’t healthy, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to create a thriving partnership with a lover… period. So,
What is that hidden relationship that’s right under your nose?
Well, it’s your relationship to reality, the way life is right now. In other words, the relationship you have with the present moment.
Let’s unpack this.
If you are single and reading this email, how does being single make you feel? When you’re feeling lonely, do you find yourself distracting yourself from that feeling or breaking away from it because it’s painful, such as through social media, food, drink, or work?
On a more general level, how do you deal with uncomfortable feelings that invade your experience?
If you typically disconnect from your experience of the present, then you are not in the right relationship with life. In truth, what you are practicing is leaving the present moment. And when you give up the present moment, you give up on yourself.
You are not intimate with yourself or with your feelings, which is actually the real starting point for being intimate with another (and building a relationship that lasts).
Instead, what one practices is an unfulfilling, disconnected way of being that often leads to emptiness, loneliness, and dissatisfaction.
And here’s the crux – if this is the neural highway you’re unloading in your mind over and over again; Disconnection and abandonment about where you are in life right now, then another human being is not going to come along and change that way of being.
Imagine a guy walks by and you’ve practiced creating an identity of lack, absence, discomfort.
It will usually play out in one of two ways.
1. You’ve gathered evidence that something is missing and the BASICS why in your life, no matter how long.
Your neural pathways will have experience and power firing, “Something’s wrong.” This is how you can feel distrustful and dissatisfied, “not feeling it”… with the people you date. You’ve trained yourself to look for “what’s missing.”
Your expectations of how the right partner will feel will be so disproportionate to reality that no mortal will be able to fill those shoes. So you’re going to hold back – ride the breaks and be defended in your interactions with men because you’re going to think it’s too good to be true. Or if you are in a relationship you will feel dissatisfied and this pattern is ultimately one of self sabotage and constriction.
Or, on the other side:
2. You will despair because you have trained a “scarcity mentality”.
A man walking into the picture you think you are clicking with will be just a blank canvas for you to project all that was missing in your life. He will feel projected onto you like a golden goose; he will be placed in your mind on a pedestal that will both flatter him and put undue pressure on him to be what you want.
This will drive him or her away because they will not feel that you are related to them, but rather related to some fantasy of a savior who will save you from your dissatisfaction. In short, they will not feel like equals.
At the core of both of these paths, disconnection from the present moment breeds despair because you ultimately outsource your connection to yourself to connection to others as the only path to fulfillment.
Does that make sense?
If you can identify with everything I’ve just unpacked here, then you know you’re not alone. This is a very common phenomenon. However, it is your responsibility to step out of it if you want to create healthy, clear love.
So how do you break this cycle when you are here?
What’s the key to finding love?
First you have to realize that your emotional experience is your responsibility and see the game you built that in order to feel happy, safe, free, loved, wanted, you believed that you needed a partner.
Just become aware of it.
And this game “I can’t feel the feelings I want unless I’m in a relationship” was written by you and therefore you have the power to dismantle it.
So start flirting with the idea that a relationship might not make you happy. I know many people who are in a relationship with the “right partner” at some point who don’t feel any of the above. In large part because they never practice creating those feelings for themselves.
The secret is discovering how to get to that goal of contentment, feeling loved and safe first, without a partner.
Now look, along this path there will be times when you feel unsatisfied, sad, disappointed because you don’t have a partner. It’s normal and natural, but the way through these feelings is not to run away from them. And it’s not trying to fix them or distract you from them (like constantly checking your phone when you’re feeling lonely).
It’s not about getting those feelings wrong or running away from them through achievement, workaholism, or judgment—judging the feelings causes them to get stuck. The way through these often painful feelings is to be with them.
To welcome you, to welcome you all as guests. To build intimacy with each of them and expand your relationship with the present moment self. Using every emotion as a gateway to build a more resilient, loving relationship with you. That is the way to finally find love.
Saying yes to the present is saying yes to yourself.
When you are in right relationship with the present moment, you come into right relationship with yourself as the creator of your experience. You are then gifted with the ability to write a more compassionate story about why you are where you are. It is an opportunity to practice self-love and intimacy through communicating with yourself in a way that will build any necessary scaffolding that you will bring as an offering into your next relationship.
No more pressuring someone to fix your experience. No more not recognizing love when it’s staring you in the face.
The relationship in that moment then becomes a platform for you to give and be rather than a place to take from. This is the key to ultimately finding love that will last forever.
I believe this poem by Rumi captures the essence of this “being and welcoming” of present experience.
This human being is a guest house.
A new arrival every morning.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
a momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a lot of worries,
who violently search your house
empty of his furniture,
nevertheless, treat every guest with honor.
He can clean you up
for a new joy.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
find her laughing at the door and invite her in.
Be thankful for whatever comes.
for everyone has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
What’s your experience of finding love?
Let us know in comments.
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