The guy I wanted to grow old with

“A true soul mate is probably the single most important person you’ll ever meet because he’s going to tear down your walls and wake you up. But to live forever with a soulmate? Nope. Too painful. Soulmates come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself and then walk again.

The purpose of a soul ally is to shake you up, rip your ego a little, show you your obstacles and addictions, open your heart for new light to come in, make you so desperate and uncontrolled that you transform your life and you then have to introduce your spiritual master … “? Elisabeth Gilbert

Our hearts were so easy.

I fell in love with how you fall asleep: slowly and then suddenly. I do not really know when exactly it happened, but somewhere between our intense eye contact and the wiping of my tears, as my walls that I built for years fell down, I completely fell in love with you and never looked back.

My heart was unguarded, and I gave you everything I had. We did not just hang around. We played. Our souls were alive – we were like two little children seeing the world for the first time – being with you, multiplying the good in my life and changing me forever.

But our mind was a different story.

We were complicated people, you and me. We were not easy. Our mind was analytical and imaginative and we thought about everything. A lot. We made every situation in our lives about 100x harder than it needed to be.

We discussed very often and very much. I quarrelled with you on untimely times, but my anger was satisfied by my passion and emotions for you. It was important to me. I loved you. I loved everything about you. I loved that I was the only one who showed you certain parts of you, you actually gave them all to me.

I wiped your tears as you talked about your family, there was nothing in this world that I loved more than holding your hand and whispering words of reassurance in your ear because I knew you were not broken, you were just bent. And I loved all your rough edges, all your roughness. Your imperfections were perfect for me.

I challenged you because I loved you.

I have often confronted you with this. I’m not the kind of girl who nods and laughs and is always pleasant, I was not always easy. But that’s because I wanted more from you – I had opinions and big dreams for the future, I wanted the best for you and us. I never could bear not to get everything I deserved.

I never allowed you to neglect your talents or get into our relationship because I knew what we had. You were never left uninspired and dissatisfied.

You broke my heart.

It was not long before things changed into our magic. The fireworks burned, leaving us burned and confused. We wanted it so much that we believed there was a logical solution to working out our differences. But there was none.

The truth is, you just were not ready. Your past, your demons, whatever the reason was, you started kicking me off. You loved me in a way I’ve never been loved, but you were not ready yet. And that was the hardest part to accept.

I knew I had to let go. Because you must never convince or inspire someone to stay.

There are many things I have never thanked you for.

I thought I could not live without you, but my heart is finally beating again. You broke my heart and new light came in, you made me so desperate and hopeless that I had to change my life, and so did I.

I thought I would grow old with you, but sometimes life has different plans. That does not mean that I do not love you anymore. If someone touches your heart, it will be there indefinitely.

I had so much anger and pain, it gnawed at me and slowly destroyed me. But then I realized that our love was not the kind of love that led to the merging of two lives in one, it was the kind of love that gave me new life, that taught me much more than a happy one to the end of the world. And I do not regret it for a second.


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