She knows that she should raise her standards. She knows she deserves better. She knows she should not care about someone like you, someone who left without looking back. She knows she should tell you to go to hell and carry on with her life.
But even though she knows she has to hold onto you for her own good in the past, though she realizes that there will never be a future with you, she still cares about you. She still sits up at night wondering where you are and what you are doing. She’s still thinking about sending you a message. She’s still checking your social networks. She still wants the best for you.
Of course, she will never let you see how much she cares about you, because she does not want you to know how much influence you have on her. She does not want you to realize that she is the one who cares more about you. She does not want to give the impression that she is still attached to you when she knows that you are already over her.
That’s why she’ll pretend she does not care if you meet her in public. That’s why she’ll delete you from social networks or simply ignore your posts. That’s why she barely mentions her name to her friends.
She behaves as if she were completely indifferent because she knows that’s the way it should be.
She should feel unwell when she hears your name because you have broken her heart. She should wish that you are unhappy because she is unhappy without you. It should not be thinking of you now that you’ve proven what kind of person you are.
But none of these things is the reality. She never stopped caring about you, even if it was clear that you stopped caring about her.
She stopped worrying about herself. She stopped eating right. She stopped getting up early. She stopped treating herself with affection because she was too busy figuring out what the hell was wrong with her, causing her to go wrong.
She knows she should be angry because you left, but she’s hurt only by what you’ve done. She knows she should think you’re an asshole, but she still thinks of you very much. She knows she should hate you for what you did, but she just hates herself for allowing it.
She never stopped caring about you even after you left. Even after you have proven that you can not be trusted. Even after you’ve made it clear that you’re playing a cruel game with her. Even after giving her every reason to hate you.
She has never stopped caring for you because once she gets used to someone, it’s hard for her to let go. It is hard for her to realize that the other person was wrong and that she did nothing to earn what she has suffered. Nothing at all.