Read this, if you love someone who does not trust you
Trust is a sensitive and fragile thing. You’ve probably heard that before. You also heard that trust is earned and not given. Or the trust is everything. Or maybe the trust is like an eraser; it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake.
However, the idea of trust is the most basic and essential part of any relationship. It’s the spine, the backbone of what it means to love another person.
If you trust someone, you allow yourself to become vulnerable. You let that person into your life. You give this person your heart, your whole soul, and believe, despite all the shit in this world, that she will take care of it.
You watch this person go away, trusting that she is decent and respectable and does not fling herself or flirt behind your back or open herself to other people besides you. The special thing about trust is that it is based above all on the unknown. It is a testimony of faith that despite the many adversities and regardless of what the world has to say, one believes that the person one loves will not harm one.
Bloody hell. I know. That needs a lot of power.
In today’s world, trust is a big and difficult problem. There is either too much or too much restraint. Often a person is injured, so they have to set up a wall that has nothing to do with themselves. And that is quite understandable, right? (Up to a certain point.)
When we are broken, we are also bitter. We do not want to let anyone into our lives, even if that person looks like an angel – because we already know about fallen angels. We know about heartbreak and grief. We know what it feels like to be crushed, shattered, damaged and betrayed. So we do not trust him. We do not trust anyone. We keep ourselves closed and fold into ourselves as soon as we start to feel something.
The special thing about trust is that it relies too much on the unknown.
After some time we open ourselves. Slowly we start to love. We learn what it feels like to love someone again, but we still do not trust him. Not yet. What the real problem is. You can not really love without faith. Any relationship that is not built on a secure foundation of trust will go to pieces.
You are in love with someone who does not trust you. This person pulls you near them and wants to hold you there. Under cover, ‘protected’ she suffocates you. You want to know everything about where you’re going, who you’re with, what you’re wearing, why you’re friends with one or the other, and whether you’re lying. Because you’re lying, are not you? (Wrong!) They make you question yourself. They make you doubt yourself. They make you look at the mirror and ask yourself if you are so questionable? You are not, just so you know.
The way people treat you is the complicated mess of their lives. Her life before you, her broken life. Whoever loved her has betrayed her and they are not the same anymore. So they ask you. They doubt you. They’re probably doing what they accuse you of behind your back because they’re afraid of being hurt again. And that’s really shitty.
But that’s not your problem. Yes, you love this person. Yes, you have remained true to this person. Yes, you are honest and you would never hurt her and care so much about her and her broken, painful past. But you are someone who is worth trusting. And the baggage that this person carries around with him is like the burden of a dead man – that’s really just the burden of a dead man.
You can not really love without faith. Any relationship that is not built on a secure and trusting foundation will break.
Your partner’s trust issues are not your problem. Sure, you can comfort that person and show her what true love is, but you can not change her attitude to it. You cannot spend your life proving that you are different, that you love her, that you are not like the last woman or guy who changed her belief in love.
You can not lean back for these people, change your clothes for them, drop your friends for them, stay home for them, ignore plans for them, change your worldview for them, or become brand new for them. Because that would not be fair to you. And really, the problems these people have have nothing to do with you at all.
And what are you doing in this case? First, you are patient. You show them the person you are, and you teach them how trust looks, how liberating and wonderful and powerful it is to let go of uncertainties and rely on someone who holds your heart in your hand. In the hope that they will recognize the beauty in it. That they realize that you are not their ex, not the person who changed them, not the person who shattered their whole world, but a whole new beginning.
And if they still question you, if they are still watching your every move, if they are still saying terrible things to you and about you because they do not believe in the person you are, then you have to get rid of them yourself to free. You have to let go of the idea that you can change your thinking – you can not change that. You have to change it yourself. So you have to free yourself. And by doing that, you also free her. So that they may grow, rise again, and become whole, to love and trust the next beautiful soul that enters their lives.