The traditional 5 levels of grief are denial, anger, negotiation, depression, acceptance. You will undoubtedly feel all of this at some point while you are recovering from the psychopathic relationship.
But losing a psychopath is not the same as losing a friend or family member; it’s not the same as losing a normal, loving partner. Here are the modified phases of grief from a psychopathic relationship:
Devastating devastation. Absolute shock and disbelief. Feelings of total emptiness, thoughts of suicide and extreme difficulties in performing trivial tasks.
Your hormones make a cold withdrawal from a chemical addiction. You will feel sick and drained – your physical condition will deteriorate. Your sex drive will oscillate between the craving for it and the misery you feel when you think about what you no longer have.
Psychologically, you’re extremely harsh and prone to devaluation and rejection, but at this point you’re not even aware of what it is – you’re just a victim of it and feel it instead of understanding it (as you do now) ).
You actually think you deserve it. That you are worthless. Without him you are nobody. You are jealous, crazy, needy, clingy, everything is your fault.
Typically begins when the psychopath starts waving his “happy” life in front of you.
He shows everyone how flawless his life is (usually through social media). You’re not even angry about it, you just feel the need to prove that you’re okay, like the psychopath, because then he might want you back.
You change jobs, friends, attack everyone except the psychopath. You go out and drink, party, have thoughtless sex to convince yourself and him that you are fine. You become very impulsive, cheer up money and harbour delusional thoughts about the return to your idealizer.
You can try replicating the exact dynamic that you had with the psychopath with another man, just to be very frustrated that your sex life is not so good or that he is not overwhelming you with the same attention.
Education & self-doubt
Somehow you come across psychopathy (or narcissism, sociopathy, etc.). Whether through an internet search or a therapist, you know deep down in your soul that you are broken inside.
Even if you want to prove that you are happy, you also want to find out what the hell just happened. If you read all the red flags of psychopathy, you will experience extreme self-doubt.
You will continue to blame yourself and ask yourself if you only call him a psychopath because you cannot deal with the “truth” (his truth) of how you ruined the relationship. You swing back and forth between your idealizer and devaluer.
How could someone who said they loved you so much hate your guts? How could he go from obsession to contempt in an instant? This is not possible. There is no way that you have an appointment with a psychopath. He loved you. Right?
Understand the psychopath
This phase does not exist in any way with the normal phases, but it is one of the most important in your recovery process. Education can only get you this far. You have to feel what they feel. Most victims live on compassion and love, so it is almost impossible to empathize with a psychopath.
Indeed, that’s why they’re able to get away with so much. Because normal people automatically project their consciences onto everyone else. But sooner or later you will be so consumed by psychopathy that you will finally understand how its mind works.
You can actually put all of his behaviour in the perspective of a psychopath and suddenly you understand it. It all makes sense, even if it was previously incomprehensible. From mirroring to love bombing to delayed criticism and ultimately devaluation and rejection.
You are disgusted You realize that you have never been loved; just another target in an endless cycle. You know you haven’t behaved like that in any other relationship.
You can look back on all the things that made you paranoid and see that they were all calculated and deliberate. You come to the frightening realization that the person you trusted worked actively against you.
Once you understand the psychopath, you are absolutely disgusted. Your self-doubt is replaced by anger. You know the truth You can see how you have been used, manipulated and brainwashed. You are more than angry. You want to kill him.
You want to contact everyone in their life and tell them what they did. You want to write him a letter and tell him to braise in hell. You talk obsessed with your friends and family about it, you have to get your story out there.
Your mouth has been forbidden so long, your voice is finally free. You start feeling all the things that you weren’t allowed to feel in the relationship. Whenever you accused him of cheating or lying, he turned it over and accused you of making you feel bad and not angry.
This cognitive dissonance has led to an enormous suppression of anger. You feel delayed emotions of jealousy when you realize how long the scam lasted and that he told her you were abusive to gain her sympathy.
The smear campaign gives you the feeling that you have to prove yourself. This delayed anger can be fully expected after a psychopathic relationship. It can take months, even years, to feel it.
If possible, please do not act accordingly. You will only prove the psychopath’s point of view. The best thing you can do is to stay calm and relaxed. It will drive him crazy. He wants you to feel anger so he can show everyone how crazy you are and how much you still love him.
You will go back and forth between depression and anger for a very long time. You will have good days and bad days. One day you will think you can go on – the next day you wake up angry and screaming. You don’t want to be mad. You don’t deserve to be mad.
All you did was fall in love. You isolate yourself, you surround yourself with people in discussion forums who understand you. You have obsessive, racing thoughts. The smallest things make you angry.
Your limits are returning (or maybe being formed for the first time) and you cannot believe that you have sunk so low. You know how much you’ve lost. Not just friends, money, life experience, etc., but also your innocence.
Your kind understanding of the world has been shaken. Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly find it difficult to trust. You will experience a constant feeling of fear and tightness in your heart.
You start asking yourself questions. Why did it all happen the way it happened? What weaknesses are there? Of course, these vulnerabilities are not your fault, but it is important for you to understand how you could be exploited.
You spend a lot of time with others who have been through something similar, so you have hope and little bursts of joy. You have incredible confirmation that often leads you back to anger and depression, but these feelings are healthy.
You finally feel what you should have felt throughout the relationship. Everything fits together like a puzzle and you can finally calmly and understandably describe what you went through and what really happened.
Instead of feeling the devaluation and rejection, you’re talking about them. You have made new friends and you start to feel like you are almost there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it takes a while to get there. And finally you see this light.
You start discovering your strengths. Many of these strengths have always been your strengths, but you never appreciated them. You finally realize that your compassion, empathy and love are not weaknesses. On the contrary – they are the most incredible gifts in the world when applied to the right people.
Your self-esteem comes from within, not from other people who confirm your insecurities. You start to understand who you really are and who you really should be. It took the malice of the psychopath to see exactly who you never want to be.
You laugh at his old belief that “you were the same person” because you realize that you are the opposite. You start exploring your creative side and you stop worrying about what others think about you.
Old friendships can change when you change and become more confident. Accept the new you and open your heart to love. You are free now. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. You did it and your life path changed forever for the better.