One day you will look for me in everyone, but I will not find you
I do not know when the day will come. But it will be a day that I rejoice and regret.
Because on this day I will get over you. I will not want you the way I have wanted you for so long. I will not long for you as I have done so far. You will not be any thought that consumes me on a busy day. I will continue. And you will be just another story from my past. And when we meet, it will hurt me to say, “He’s someone I once knew.”
But you’re so much more than that. You were someone I wanted so much. I wanted you to become the greatest love of my life. But for some reason, everything I gave, everything I invested was too little for you. And then I was left behind and looked at my own reflection as if I was the one who was not good enough.
It took me a while to realize that sometimes your best will never be good enough if the person is not right.
But I swore it was you. I could have counted on it. I blinded my judgment as I invested time and emotions in someone who could not even meet me halfway.
But one day you will wish you had done it.
One day you will see me with someone else. I’ll grin and shine like you used to. The only difference is that someone else probably will not make me cry to sleep at night.
Maybe I will not see you watching me through the room.
Maybe we will meet and in the beginning, my heart will race when our eyes meet. I’ll wonder if you can still read me the way you used to. I will be guilty of feelings returning without control. But I will not say that I miss you. I will not tell you that I love you. Instead, I’ll introduce you to the person next to me. And in a moment it will hit you because you could have been. You should have been.
But because of the many opportunities, the hard days and the confusion, I did not get the relationship I needed. And there was not enough love I could give you to make up for what you lacked.
You will look at me and miss me, even if you are standing in front of you. You will realize what I have felt so often. Because I’ve learned that the hardest way to miss someone is because he’s not who you really need him to be.
But more than you will miss me, you will miss the little things.
You will miss the conversations that were only continued if you wanted it. You will miss just talking about yourself. You’ll miss the attention and know with certainty that someone has really taken care of you, even if you could not reciprocate.
You will miss the calls you ignored earlier. You wrote back when you felt like it. You will miss the pictures I sent you. I shared every good moment with you. You’ll miss being the first to know when something good happened.
You will also miss hearing about the bad things. To be the shoulder I sometimes leaned on when I needed it. You will miss being needed and wanted and loved.
You will miss the things I marked you in earlier. The messages I sent. The kind words that made you smile when you were busy, even if you did not say anything back. You will miss the news that I answered too fast. And you’ll wonder why I did not look at your story on Instagram. You’ll wonder why I did not want to look at all. You will wonder where I am and who I am with.
And you’ll think about writing me a message, but you will not. You will not because even you know that I deserve better than someone who had to lose me to realize my worth.
The “what-if” will show up late at night. Just like me. And the way I turned and threw myself after you, you will do the same.
Maybe we’ll see each other in the dreams that haunt you.
Maybe you’ll recognize it then.
Maybe you’re lying next to someone you want me to be.
Maybe you’ll find the courage to look for me.
Maybe you’re just wondering if I’m still interested in you.
No matter how much time passes, I think you’re someone I’ll always love. But I could not wait any longer for you to love me too. I’ve played every one of my best cards to make you love me. What I realized was that love should not be that hard. But there was no doubt that I loved you.
Sometimes you have to lose something and remember what you had.
I know that love is good enough. As soon as she begins to hurt, she is no longer the right love.
And the departure has taken everything from me. Because the hardest part was getting over you, which I ever had to do. Because just as there are moments in your life where you miss me and where you look for me in any other person – that’s what I do too. I am smiling and maybe holding someone else’s hand. But there are times when I wish it was you.
However, I could no longer wait, wish and hope while risking my self-esteem. I had to go away. I had to stop trying. I had to free myself from love in the hope that perhaps in my absence you would learn to love me as well.