Here’s some marriage advice I would have loved to have after losing a woman I loved
Psychologist Gerald Rogers wrote an open letter to his Facebook friends and followers after going through a tough divorce. He introduced it simply by saying, “After losing a woman I loved and a marriage of almost 16 years, here is the advice I would have liked …
Here is the full-length text. We warmly recommend that you read it – it may one day save your relationship.
Of course, I’m not a relationship expert. But the fact that my divorce was finalized this week gives me a perspective on the things I would have liked to have done differently: After losing a woman I loved and a marriage of almost 16 years, here is the marriage- Advice I wish I had – Gerald Rogers
20 marriage pieces of advice I would have loved to have:
1. Never stop advertising. Never stop dating.
NEVER take this woman for granted. When you asked for your hand, you promised to be the man who your heart belongs to and who will protect it with all your might. This is the most important and sacred treasure that will ever be entrusted to you. SHE chose SHE. Never forget this, and NEVER slack off in love.
2. Protect your own heart.
Just as you have pledged to be the protector of your heart, so must you protect your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart that no one but your wife is allowed to enter. Always keep this place ready to receive and invite them, and refuse to let anyone or anything else in there.
3. Fall in love over and over again.
You will keep changing. You are not the same people you were when you got married, and five years from now you will not be the same person you are today. The change will come and you will have to make new choices every day. SHE doesn’t HAVE to stay with you, and if you don’t care about her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or shut you out entirely and you may never get it back. Always fight to win her love just like you did when you courted her.
4. Always see the best in her.
Just focus on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what is annoying you, you will only see reasons to be annoyed. When you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can’t see anything but love and you know without a doubt that you are the happiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.
5. It is not your job to change or fix them.
Your job is to love her for who she is without the expectation that she will ever change. And when she changes, love what she becomes, whether that’s what you wanted or not.
6. Take full responsibility.
Take full responsibility for your own feelings. It is not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CANNOT make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and it is through this that your joy will spill over into your relationship and love.
7. Never blame her when you get angry.
NEVER blame your wife if YOU get frustrated or angry with her because it is causing something in YOU. It is YOUR feelings and your responsibility. As you experience these feelings, take the time to go inside and understand what is in YOU that needs to be healed. You became attracted to this woman because she was the person best placed to release all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them: when you heal yourself, you won’t get away from it her trigger and you will wonder why you ever did that.
8. Allow your wife to be simple.
If she is sad or upset, it is not your job to fix it but to hold her and let her know that it is okay. Let her know that you hear her, that she is important, and that you are the pillar that she can always lean on. The female mind is about change and emotions and like a storm her feelings will roll in and out, and if you stay strong and non-judgmental she will trust you and open her soul to you: DON’T RUN AWAY IF SHE IS EXCITED. Be present and strong and let them know that you are not leaving. Listen to what she really said behind the words and feelings.
9. Be silly.
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10. Fill your soul every day
Learn her love languages and the specific ways she feels important, validated, and FEELED. Ask her to make a list of 10 things that make her feel loved and make a note of those things and make it a priority to make her feel like a queen every day.
11. Be present.
Give her not only your time but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her, you are completely WITH her. Treat them like you would treat your most valuable customer. That is her.
12. Don’t be an idiot.
Don’t be an idiot or be afraid to be one. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big mistakes and learn from the mistakes you make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try not to be too stupid.
13. Be ready to take them lovely.
To carry them away in the power of your male presence, to consume them and to devour them with your strength and to penetrate them into the deepest levels of their soul. Let her melt in her feminine gentleness when she knows that she can fully trust you.
14. Give her space.
The woman is so good at giving and giving and at times she will need to be reminded to take time to nourish herself. Sometimes she will have to break away from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her this space, she will come back with new songs to sing: (okay, I’ll be one here a little too poetic but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, especially if you have kids. She needs this space to renew and re-center and to self-center after getting lost in serving you, the children, and the world).
15. Be vulnerable.
You do not have to be all meant for one another. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and admit your mistakes.
16. Be completely transparent.
If you want to have trust, you have to be willing to share EVERYTHING: especially the things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to love fully, fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know if she will like what she finds … Part of that courage is to allow her to love you fully, yours Darkness as well as your light. Let go of the mask: If you feel like you have to wear a mask around it and always have to show yourself perfectly, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17. Never stop growing together.
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop exercising a muscle, just as it is when you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams, and visions that you can work towards.
18. Don’t worry about money.
Money is a game, find ways you can work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates argue. Find ways in which you can use the strengths of both people to win.
19. Forgive immediately.
Forgive immediately and focus on the future instead of bearing the burden of the past. Don’t let your past hold you hostage. Holding on to past mistakes that either you or she made is like a heavy anchor for your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut loose the anchor and always choose love.
20. Always choose love. Always choose love …
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle that guides all of your decisions, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end, marriage is not about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can last forever. Through this work, happiness will come.
Marriage is life and it will come with ups and downs. Embracing and learning all cycles, learning and loving from each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. They are lessons I learned too late.
But they are lessons that I learn and commit myself to carry on. The truth is I loved being married and in time I will remarry and if I do I will build it with a foundation that will stand up to any storm and tons of time.
As you read this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of these men can be who I was and in those hard-earned lessons, maybe something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman who told him “I want” and trusted him with her life was waiting for this man.
If you are reading this and your marriage is not what you want it to be, then take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in the marriage, regardless of where your spouse is, and commit to following these lessons while you still have time.
MEN – THIS IS YOUR ROLE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge or greater price. Your wife deserves this from you.
Be the kind of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.