Letter to the man who treated me like an option
To this lesson that I had to learn…
If I had to explain everything I went through because of you in one word, I would choose the word “waiting”.
I was always waiting for something, waiting for you to be ready, for you to be unafraid to commit, for you to answer my messages, for you to call me, for you to choose me , that you are sure of us and the list is endless.
If I had kept letting you come and go in my life, I would still be waiting.
I could have given you millions of chances, maybe that’s what I did, I don’t know anymore…
But the result would have been the same – it would never have worked, because you would never have changed, you would never have loved me the way I deserve or the way I loved you.
But saying all that doesn’t make it any easier, it just allows me to finally face reality.
I’ve wasted way too much time, hoping you’ll finally realize, finally see me, and finally understand that we could have been happy if you’d given us a real chance.
But you would never have succeeded in doing that, would you?
You were emotionally destroyed, so afraid to love that you saw no other option but to keep me as far away from your heart as possible.
You never talked much, not important things anyway.
But the few times you opened up to me are the ones that made me fall in love with you.
You hugged me so tight, kissed me so passionately that I couldn’t help but think you had real feelings for me.
On those rare occasions, you were everything I ever dreamed of. But most of the time, you were just distant.
I guess you did the minimum, just enough to keep me close to you, but never too close.
And this “minimum” was enough for a time.
You knew you could always come back to me, no matter how long we had been apart or without hearing from each other.
You know it was stronger than me, that I couldn’t do anything but let you come back.
You understood how deep my love for you was and you took advantage of it.
I have never been your priority and you have proven it to me time and time again, through your words and your deeds.
I was just a girl content with crumbs, crumbs of your affection and attention.
And that was my biggest mistake, because I let you abuse me.
By settling for this minimum, I have become only an option and it is the worst thing to do to someone who, on the contrary, makes you their priority.
By settling for less than I deserved, I hurt myself.
By staying by your side, I broke my own heart.
You always told me the stories I wanted to hear.
Mostly stories of us together in the near future, when the time is right…
Why waste what we have, why need to put a label on our relationship, why need others to see us and know about us?
And you kept telling me all this and I believed you. Even today, I don’t know why I believed you.
I guess when you put your whole heart into it, you lose all common sense and you become unable to face the reality of things.
The only thing that made me open my eyes were my tears, lots of tears.
I felt like I was facing a wall.
I gave myself completely, my love, my understanding, my respect, my commitment and you never made an effort to do the same.
You took me for granted and just told yourself that enough would be enough, that I would always let you ‘in’.
And at some point, I thought the same thing, believe me.
But I had an epiphany and finally saw things for what they really were.
I understood that if I stayed with you, that if I stayed in this emotional whirlwind, I was going to get sick.
Every time I felt like we were moving on, you let me down.
Every time I believed in your promises, you disappointed me.
Every time you did something that made me happy, I then paid the price with tears.
That’s why I had to put an end to it.
I couldn’t keep letting you treat me like this. I had to respect myself and not let you in anymore.
I had to stop wasting my time and realize that you would never be ready.
I had to protect my heart, because it couldn’t take your comings and goings in my life anymore.
I had to push past my feelings and remember what I deserved.
I had to get away from you to find myself, love myself and be happy for myself.
I had to become my own priority , so you would stop treating me like an option.