Somehow it goes without saying that the modern “dating scene” is the perfect playing field for those who don’t want to commit themselves too much; who are emotionally closed, just looking for love or just don’t want a steady relationship.
And then there are people like you. People who don’t want to play this game, but fall in love with those who want it. And so you slowly get involved in this relationship – what else? You tell yourself that it’s okay, that it will work out somehow. You are different, so the relationship will definitely be different.
The whole thing will not be a huge disaster. Everything will be fine, everything will be fine. And, even though you haven’t really thought about it, you’re getting involved in this game. You start talking to this man, you get to know him better and you think: “Ohh God we fit together so well. The relationship will certainly go in the right direction. ”But everything in its time …
You take little of what he gives you – while he takes away everything you have.
You give everything away with reckless devotion. You do everything for your relationship, you do everything for him, despite the great uncertainty. You jump off the cliff without knowing if he would jump with you at all. Without knowing whether you will fall or fly. It’s brave what you’re doing there, but it’s also really, really stupid.
You ignore his subtle manipulation and the inappropriate words he has for you in front of others.
But you still don’t want to see the whole thing. Instead, you are always looking for excuses to justify him. Because when you’re alone, just both of you, the world is fine. You feel wanted, safe and secure. You live for these gentle conversations, his tender touches and the hope that you may experience the whole thing over and over again one day every morning and every night.
But unfortunately he is just not ready enough for all of this. He always has excuses. Always making excuses for his job. But somehow you just can’t buy the whole story from him and you can’t understand him anymore.
It’s just a job !!! You can do it. What you have is much stronger than it will ever be a job. But then he complains about the distance between you two. You try to explain to him that you are not the first and only one to have a long-distance relationship. Yes, it could be difficult, but you can do it. Because if you want something so much, you can always find a way to get there.
Any normal and sensible woman would come to her senses after all of these events. But not you. You deny everything. You dived too deeply. You are too attached to the thing you have in your head and cannot accept reality as it really is.
And then … Then suddenly everything bursts. You only have one last request, and that is that your relationship increases to a higher level, because you are reaching the limit of resilience, tired from the constant waiting and wasted time. And what does he do? He answers with even more excuses. He says that you have different ideas about life – he’s a workaholic and doesn’t have much free time to devote himself to a relationship. If only the distance between you weren’t that big, it might have been easier. He says you deserve a better man. That it’s over between you …
And even if it was just a “fast relationship”, you have the right to mourn it – just like a “real” separation.
Only a handful of your friends know how you feel about him. Your family definitely doesn’t. You feel ridiculous because you want to lie in your bed all day and cry. You feel silly about the whole thing – you should have known better. You should have dealt with the truth earlier.
Then you become vulnerable. You realize that you have to hold back your tears very often. And when you end up alone, you start shedding crocodile tears. You cry yourself to sleep. You cry in the shower. You cry while driving and always take the long way to your final destination so that you look “normal” when you arrive. Sometimes it’s hard, but you’re strong and you can do it. Time is your best friend. It helps you as you heal and collect the parts of your heart alone.
And then after a while, you find out that he’s in a new, steady relationship. He of all people! This man of all people, who was supposedly not ready for a steady relationship, is now FEST with another woman. The self-proclaimed workaholic has voluntarily made another woman a priority in his life.
You inform yourself in detail about how long the two have actually been together. Your mind starts to wobble. It’s like being punched in the stomach and thrown to the ground – with even more punches and kicks pounding on you. He was already with her (9 months to be exact) the last time you both met.
You cry, can’t stop the tears. Call him and scold him with the most terrible words that come to mind. You look desperately in the mirror and wonder what he didn’t like about you. What does this woman have that you don’t have?
And what annoys you most is that he gets away with impunity.
What does his “not so new” girlfriend actually know about him? Sure, not the whole story, otherwise it wouldn’t be with him, would it? And his family, all the people in his life? He managed to get her behind the light. You don’t know anything. You can still see him as the honourable brother, son, grandson, cousin, nephew, friend and godfather he was always in her eyes.
He goes on – long ago – while you have to fight alone with your sadness and anger.
You know that you have to learn to cope with everyday life as if everything was fine. As if you were completely fine.
And deep down, you also know that you are worth more than this. It is also what helps you to continue with your life. It was a lesson worth learning because you now know that you are worth more than the distance between the two points on the stupid map. You are worth more than the news full of empty promises. You earn more, so much more than he could ever give you.
Therefore, I want to say to every woman (and every man) out there who mourn “fast relationships,” you are not alone.
Be SAD. Be angry. Be whatever you want to be. You have the right to feel what you want to feel. Just because your relationship wasn’t officially on Facebook doesn’t make it any less meaningful. And as the days go by as things get easier as you find your way to the other side, you owe it to yourself to recognize your own worth. You have to accept that he would not have been able to fulfil your life as you initially hoped for. Better days are coming and soon a new love will be in sight.
Last but not least, I have a piece of advice for everyone who lives in this modern “dating scene”: Be friendly. Be honest. Don’t be assholes and don’t fool other people’s feelings.