“Why is this happening to me?” Anyone who falls in love with someone despite a stable relationship is not only in an emotional, but also in a moral dilemma. Couples therapist Markus Breitenberger from Munich explains how to make the right decision.
To be in a happy relationship and still fall in love with another person – if you have not experienced this yourself, you can often hardly imagine it. In fact, it could happen to any of us. Love is not an exclusive feeling. In our families and among our friends, we all experience deep affection for several people. That great sympathy for a new acquaintance is sometimes mixed with palpitations and longing is therefore entirely human. In other words, you are not necessarily responsible for your emotional chaos. But: for how you deal with the situation, yes!
My first advice to you is therefore not to make any hasty decisions now . Act wisely, especially if you have actually been happy with your current partner. With rose-colored glasses and with a relative distance, it is always easy to idealize the new acquaintance. In contrast, the familiarity of a long-term relationship naturally appears a bit pale. So first check carefully whether your initial fascination is actually justified. And whether it is really worth putting your existing partnership at risk.
Contrary to all clichés, being in love with strangers occurs in the best of relationships. It can, but it doesn’t have to be an indication that something is wrong with you and your current partner. Because the fact is: no one can give us everything and make us happy in every way.As a result, it will always happen that you meet another man who brings certain things with him that you lack in your partner – and who in turn has other weak points. What these are and how easy or difficult they are to endure can often not be said correctly in the first phase of being in love. As an adult, responsible person, however, it is important to keep this in mind. Listen to your heart, but don’t forget your mind! Good conversations with your best friend or other people you trust can be extremely helpful. The prerequisite is that your counterpart does not judge you for your feelings or push you in a direction, but rather supports you in finding out what is best for you. If in doubt, do not hesitate to Get in touch with a couples therapist or psychotherapist in your area. He can help you gain clarity before you involve your partner in the situation and make concrete decisions.
Should i tell my partner?
A question that those affected often ask in my practice: “Is it at all right and necessary to confess everything to the partner when we just can’t get someone else out of our heads?” There is no clear answer to this. If you notice that you really don’t want to continue your relationship, you should of course speak to your partner as soon as possible. However, if you are more inclined to stick with your current relationship, if you are just crushing, it can sometimes make sense to remain silent. It is important to remember that your partner cannot see into your heart or your head. Despite your honesty and all your assurances, he may be very insecure. He may overestimate the actual danger to your relationship or withdraw prematurely for reasons of self-protection – a situation
Listen to yourself: Just relieving your conscience and passing decisions on to your partner are certainly not good motives for a clarifying conversation. Maintaining a stable relationship based on honesty, affection connection and trust, but definitely. Talking about your current experience together can, in the best case scenario, even strengthen your cohesion and help you to be better prepared for future crises. Whichever path you choose: a trusted couple counselor can be an important support in this process.