All my life I have lived on the adventurous side; Normality bores me until you drop. After a few days of routine I get into a bad mood without any thrill or excitement. I have always been there and a risk taker when it comes to life. But when it comes to my love life, it’s the opposite.
I’m pretty sure I’m single by myself, by myself. I judge people too quickly because of their first impressions and know well in advance that I do not want to have a future with them or that I do not even want to try it. I put them in the friendship zone, where they spend the rest of their lives.
I myself am a kind of female buddy for the boys. I downloaded a dating app and found friends. If someone tries to flirt with me, I’ll immediately call him “age” or anything that makes the boys frighten themselves when they hear me.
I’ll make out with people over the weekend and then disregard them during the week, because the way I approached them when I was drunk, I have too much pride to yearn for when I’m sober. I will not try to make something out of it; I try to finish it as soon as possible. I’m just not that and it’s not what I’ve been for a long time.
I never wanted to be the needy girl or the emotional girl who needs the men’s attention.
I am the strong girl, the one who does not give a damn about love.
I’m the one who tells her friends she does not have to talk to a bastard just because she’s lonely. I tell my friends that they deserve better, I tell them what they do not want to hear or accept, because they hate to feel alone. I like to be firm and tough. I like my pride and I feel even more that I do not need anyone and can take perfect care of myself.
But what I now realize is that I’m single because I’m afraid of taking risks. I cover everything up with a false sense of security that I give myself.
I am afraid that someone will get to know my romantic side. I’m afraid to let someone into my life for fear he might leave. I’m nervous and scared that I will not be good enough for someone after spending some time with him.
I will rarely, if ever, approach a guy at the bar and try to flirt with him. I will not go up and have someone on the dance floor. I will not twist my hair and make myself stupid. I will not wear tops with my breasts almost hanging out because that’s not me and I do not think I need that attention.
I think it’s time for me to accept that I’m not throwing myself up for fear of rejection.
I lack the self-confidence that they will never choose me; I always assume that you will choose another.
Whoever she is, she must be better than me. That’s how my brain works.
I know it’s not right, I know I have people trying to talk to me, but instead of giving them a chance, I’ll turn them off . I put them in the friendship zone, because at least I know that they are safe there. At least I know that they have less chance of hurting me when they are there.
I easily fall for people, but only for people I do not have a chance for. These are just little ravings that I keep in mind. It’s not real and so it does not have the potential to hurt me.
I do not know if I will ever be the girl who is not afraid to take risks. I think that part of me will always be the girl who is too scared of rejecting, so I’ll just hang up. I will accept that I will always be the girl with many male friends because I am more afraid of taking the risk and losing them than just having them as friends in my life.
I have realized that I am my own problem, but I also know that I can be my own solution. One day the risk appetite will come, one day, when I’m ready. Until then, welcome to the friendship zone with the boys.