I trusted you enough to make you destroy me
I want you to imagine a broken girl sitting alone in her room, late at night. Imagine tears streaming down her face, mingling with her mascara. Imagine her body cramping every time she tries to soothe her sobs.
Now imagine my face, because the girl was me. Do you like what you see? Are you happy now that you ruined me? If you want to totally destroy me, you can be proud of yourself for doing that. You have distanced yourself from me. You sucked me empty. You beat me to an emotional death. And then you jumped to another victim.
I have always felt that I am not good enough with you. And although I knew that I would never really be happy with you, I was satisfied with the crumbs from your table. You were the person who could drive me up in a second, and the person who dropped me to the ground the next moment.
You were the person I was happiest with and that made me cry the most. But somewhere along the way, I have learned to live this way. I always thought that you needed some time to realize that I’m good enough for you.
I was patient and waited for that moment, but he never came.
Then I realized that I’m not the one who is not good enough for you – but you were not good enough for me. It’s true that I suffered a long time trying to get back on my feet, but it was well worth it in the end.
I do not think I’m not worthy because I know it’s me. I no longer listen to your poisonous stories about your eternal love for me because I know that you have never loved me.
I blame myself for giving you so much power over me that you can destroy me. I gave you all my confidence because I thought you would not take advantage of it. But you did it. And that broke my heart. But, you know what? Even if I am broken a little bit, I will be the perfect woman for another man. I say that myself every day.
Maybe I would not know how strong I am if you had not broken me. Maybe I never would have acknowledged that I was worthy and that I was more than enough. Maybe I would never have looked for someone better than you. But I’m glad I did.
So, no matter how hard you choose, dare not ask me to go back to your life.
If you wish, think of all the bad things you did to me. Imagine how many sleepless nights I’ve spent listing all your love texts, where you promised me the love people write books about. Imagine how I do not eat, because my stomach was like an empty hole that does not allow food inside, because of all the accumulated stress and fear that you caused.
Just remember how many times I stood in front of the mirror and hated my face and body because you did not like them, with the wish that I would be prettier and more attractive because you would have stayed with me.
Think about how many silent collapses I had, all alone. I put my head under the pillow so many times that nobody could hear me. Think of all the things that a broken-hearted woman goes through. And if you think of them all, think again about whether you really want to come back to me? If even the smallest part of your heart has any sympathy – please just go away and let me be happy with someone else. You will admit that you had your chance and that you messed it up.
I’ll manage that already. I will collect all these parts of my broken heart and put myself together again. I know it will take some time, but that’s the only way to heal a broken heart. And when I am fully recovered from you, I will be ready to love someone again.
I know that the next man in my life will see all the good things you never saw. I know that he will give me the love I have dreamed of all my life. And I know he’ll ask me how I ever thought I was not good enough.
Someday someone will thank you for letting me go.