I Hate The Fact That Everything I Did Was Never Enough
My brain is working in a loop these days. I can not even sleep because of all the commotion at the top. In my head, I revisit every moment and analyze every conversation we have had.
Useless, I know. But I can not block my thoughts. Although most of the time, I really want to.
All my thoughts revolve around the same question: “Why was not I enough?”
No matter how many times I go through it, I’m still unable to understand exactly where I was wrong because I was sure I did everything right.
It seemed so simple and easy. All the ingredients of a successful relationship were there. Everything had to work well if there was enough love. If you had given everything you had.
If you were just yourself. If you had been brave. If you trusted the person you were with.
If you were ready to compromise. If you lived in the moment and if you had given the best of yourself, it would have worked in the end.
In one way or another, it never worked. And I hate it to be so. I hate the fact that whatever I do, it was never enough.
I tried to stay true to myself and I accepted you for what you really were. And let’s face it, you were not the easiest person to live, but I loved you anyway.
There were times when you gave me everything you had and others where you walked away so hard that I could not reach you. Yet my feelings and attitude towards you have never changed.
A moment of happiness with you made up for all the bad ones. It made me stronger. It made me do more work.
It made me want to live even more of these moments. So, I bet more. I was always trying to be the best version of myself.
I had some bad days too. My emotions were crazy. I was angry, I was angry, I was afraid and I had doubts; Overall, I was sad.
It was normal in my eyes. It had to be like that. It’s life, things happen and we have to manage them as best we can.
You had bad days too. You had horrible days and I saw them as something inevitable, something that I had to help you through.
I have always supported you. When all the chances were against you, when the storms arrived, I stayed there as firmly as during the happy days.
I was there to support you and believe in you, even if you were almost never there for me.
I did not know who gave more to whom. I gave the best of myself. I gave everything I had, without disinterest, without expecting anything in return.
I was happy to make you happy. Your smile was all I wanted in exchange for my efforts.
Maybe I should have counted the things you were giving me. Maybe that’s where I was wrong.
I concentrated on you, on your feelings, on your happiness, to the point that I completely neglected myself. I lost myself by loving you.
I really think that’s the only thing I misunderstood. Even you, you had no good reason to leave me when hell broke loose and you decided to finish between us.
I hate the fact that you left like this. Without any valid explanation so that I can sleep calmly at night.
I hate the fact that you left us so easily. I hate the fact that you made me feel like I was wasting my time with you.
As if I was wasting my time with a one-sided love, because I now understand it was all me. All the love we had in our relationship came from me and I could not love for two.
I hate that you made me feel worthless. I hate that feeling of hatred in me.
I hate that you are always my main thought during the day, and that I can not breathe properly. I hope this will happen soon.
It hurts so much to share everything with someone and only get back pain. But who would have thought that pain could help so much to learn?
And through this pain, I gradually realize that whatever I can do, whether good or bad, it would never have been enough.
Because doing everything right does not mean anything if the person you are with is not good.