The hardest lessons of life begin peacefully, without any sign of danger. That’s why I did not see you as toxic.
You were the closest thing to perfection when we met. You moved mountains and walked on the water just to make me happy. I felt you were too good to be true and it turned out to be the truth.
This perfect beginning was only a tool you used to keep me under your control.
You were nothing more than an emotional manipulator that I could not recognize until it was too late.
I guess that’s why emotional manipulation is so powerful and destructive because you do not even realize that you’re a victim.
We think it’s a normal thing because we can not believe that someone would be able to use our love against us.
Now that I look back, I can clearly see the diagram. You clung to every word I said.
You listened carefully and I felt lucky to have someone who is so interested in all aspects of my life.
I did not have a clue that words were your weapon of choice. You knew how to distort each word so that it suits you.
You used words to provoke that feeling of guilt in me.
Whenever I wanted time for myself, whether I wanted to hang out with my friends or go somewhere without you, you did not say a word or act like it did not bother you.
And yet, every time I came home I had to pay my debt because all I got from you was ignorance and silence.
A few weeks later, when we quarreled, you brought me all this back by telling me that you were always the last and that everyone was more important than you.
Little by little, I moved away from my friends without even realizing it. You wanted all my attention. You could not stand that I could have fun without you.
However, when it came to you, the rules were different. You could go out when you wanted, where you wanted.
You came home late stinking alcohol and even if I wanted to say something, it would have been useless, because you would have closed my mouth immediately.
You knew exactly what to say and when to say it to make me feel like I was the one to blame.
And it was not the story of once, but through all the situations in which we found ourselves.
You were so good at playing the victim that even when you did something inexcusable, I ended up feeling sorry for you.
I felt caged. You had trapped me with your manipulations. I felt like I could not go anywhere or do anything without annoying you.
You always made me feel that I was not enough. As if I were unworthy of you. You took advantage of my insecurities.
You have wrapped insults in jokes. You always shared your “wisdom” with me and you gave me advice on everything that concerned my life.
You always acted as if you knew better and everything you said or did was “for my own good”.
You belittled me, you gave me the impression that I was worthless, then you returned to your mode of tending, loving and protective, just so that I could believe that I am blessed to have you in my soul.
But you were far from being a blessing, you were rather a curse. The one I did not see how to escape until you leave my life and go to your next victim.
It was your words, but that too was my fault, for reasons that remained unexplained.
I can not say I was relieved once you were no longer part of my life. I was crushed and devastated. I was thinking that I had lost the love of my life. I missed you.
During the first month, I could not help crying. The tears gradually stopped; I do not know exactly when, but there was that moment when tears cleared up my way of seeing things. And I finally saw how much you were a manipulative jerk.
For the first time in a long time, I felt free, I felt good. I felt that I could breathe again.
It was easy to do it once you did not play with my mind anymore.
I felt so good and it gave me the extra strength I needed to regain everything you took from me.
It took me a long time to find the confidence and self-esteem you had taken from me. I finally realized that I am enough and that I should never allow someone to treat me as anything.
My mind and soul are now at peace because I am happy with the person I am. I will not let anyone put me in a jail.
It sounds ridiculous now, but at the time, I thought I would never get over it. I thought the damage you did was permanent and the pain I felt was incurable.
What I did not know was that even though the scars were there, I was much stronger than I thought.
I was so mad at you for a long, long time. I could not imagine that someone who had my heart could hurt me so much.
But I’m not angry anymore. I finally agreed that it was inevitable. I forgave you.
I forgave myself for staying so long and I almost never think of you since that time. You have no power over me or my life.
I finally agreed that things should be so that I could learn to be really happy. To learn what love should never look like
You were not the love of my life, you were the hardest lesson of my life. The one I had no choice but to learn.