I do not think I can hate you any more than now.
You tore me to pieces and left the pieces lying on the floor. You knocked me down until I felt nothing. Until I felt like I was nothing. You took everything from me. My dignity, my self-esteem, the love I felt for myself and for others. You took everything away from me and I never got it back. I did not notice it then, but now I can see it.
I hate you for everything you’ve done to me. I hate you for the person you turned me into.
I was so sure that as soon as I left you, I would be able to free myself from those four years of bullshit through which you led me. And honestly, I thought I did. I thought I was done with these demons and buried the past. But now it is very clear that I did not do it. When we were together, you controlled every part of my life, and it seems you still do.
I hope you know that when you made the decision to destroy me, you not only influenced my life, but also the lives of all the people I love. Her life was uprooted like mine.
You destroyed every piece of my being just because you could not get up and be a man. You were a coward and you enriched me with my misery.
I had someone who wanted to be there for me. Someone who was willing to endure me every day despite my past. But I did not want to let him into my life. I could not trust that he would not leave me as broken as you. So I ran away; It was the only thing I could do. And I broke his heart because you broke mine.
Do you see? There is again this domino effect. Your decisions have hurt another person in my life. And the worst thing is that the pain was caused by me. I was the one who triggered the pain this time because you first gave it to me.
I hope you see my face every time you close your eyes. And I hope you’ll regret every hateful word you’ve ever said, any humiliating name you gave me, every time you put your hands against me. I hope it haunts you for the rest of your life.
It’s been a year since I left, and your lousy behaviour is still affecting me.
I can not trust anyone. I do not believe people when they say they love me. I do not trust that they will not betray me or hurt or leave me. Your words have never done much. They meant nothing. Your actions have proven that.
I do not open myself to anyone anymore. I do not allow people to look inside because it gives them the opportunity to see the damage that can not be undone. I no longer express my feelings and do not give my heart to anyone. With you, my feelings were never considered, and they did not matter.
They were always inappropriate or stupid. However, your feelings were the most important. You have always been the first to be considered. Because you brainwashed me so I think I would be second.
Because of you, I do not like what I see in the mirror. There was always something wrong with my appearance. The way I dressed or how I styled my hair or wore my makeup. This eventually led to you constantly reminding me that I had to lose weight. You insulted me because I did not go to the gym that day. And the worst thing was always when you compared me to other women.
You kept making comments about other women’s bodies by praising their slender waist and beautiful frame. I remember the night you told me that the yoga teacher on the yoga video was sexier because she had a thigh gap. It was not a big deal for you and you did not do anything wrong. But what you did not know is that I sat on the floor of our shower and cried for 30 minutes that night, wondering why I was not good enough for you.
You destroyed me. You pushed and pushed until I lost my strength. You finally got me where you wanted me to go. My family and friends made comments about you. They said they did not like the way you treat me, or that I was crazy about allowing the things I allowed.
I defended you every time someone tried to talk bad about you. I justified every one of your actions, every time I could convince myself that it was my fault, that you talked to me that way because I should have shut up. Or it was my fault you shouted at me, because I should not have questioned you.
I’m still far from being well again, and I realize that now. But one day I will be. I will not be a cold-hearted person all my life. One day, I will be able to get someone into my life. I will be able to trust someone with my heart and not be afraid that it will break it. I will learn how to love again. In the end, I will defeat these demons and continue with my life. And at this point, you will not have control over me.
Oh, and something else…