Do you pay close attention to the needs of your partner? Do you play an active role in your relationship? What if you become one of those shitty husbands in the world? Get ready before it’s too late to know your relationship is coming to an end.
My wife felt insecure because she could no longer trust me.
She didn’t feel insecure because she thought I was going to hurt her physically or because she thought I couldn’t protect her if someone else tried.
She didn’t stop trusting me because she was worried I might have love with someone else.
My wife stopped trusting me because she found that I couldn’t be trusted to be the partner she needed. As a parent. As a housemate. As a lover. As a financial partner.
It wasn’t the big things that got her to this point. Often times, the big things in marriage aren’t.
It was the little things. Often times, it’s the little things that scratch, scratch, and hack the integrity of marriage until the marriage and its participants no longer look like they did when it was first formed.
She was a youthful, fun, lively, happy, cheerful young woman.
She got tired, tired, scared, scared, scared, sad and angry.
I begged and pleaded that the girl I knew would come back as soon as I didn’t recognize her. I got sad and angry when she couldn’t or wouldn’t. I blamed her for not trying.
But I think maybe she wanted to. I think she wanted to feel like her old self again. But she just couldn’t.
Because she couldn’t trust me.
So she should keep her vigilance.
Because she didn’t feel safe.
Men (me) have a problem
And I think women might have the same problem, but because of the state of the world we live in (where men sometimes literally believe they are better than women), I think the male version is worse.
Men think and feel and experience the world around them in a certain way. We experience things, see things, hear things, digest information and come to what we consider very rational, very logical, very reasonable, very correct inferences.
If you think you are right, anyone who doesn’t see things the same way must be wrong. Hence, your wife or girlfriend is “wrong” a lot.
For example, although we love our women, renounce everyone else, are ready to die for them, and try to make more money every day and get respect and admiration for and from them, our women often feel unloved.
And because we don’t think it makes sense that all of the things I’ve just listed make them unlovable – because we think it’s crazy, irrational, and unreasonable – we pretty much ignore any suggestions to the contrary.
I am mocking and sarcastic. It’s a kind of humour that my friends and I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. When I call my male friend by name or laugh at him about something, you understand that he is my friend, that he is loved and respected, and that the comments and laughter are meant to be funny and not angry because I am with him wants to be and wants to have him in my social environment.
My wife did not appreciate my ridicule and sarcasm directed at her. She was my wife and deserved a higher standard of care, she said.
She was right.
I accidentally hurt her feelings a lot. I NEVER did it on purpose. So I always got mad when she got mad at me about something I accidentally did.
The “intentional” argument only works for the first time.
If you’re on the hunt and fire a shot that accidentally kills someone in a nearby house that you didn’t realize was there, you are unlikely to be charged with murder or manslaughter. Because it was an accident.
But if you go hunting again and accidentally kill a second person in the same place out of negligence? Have fun in jail.
My crime wasn’t that I hurt my wife’s feelings for the first time. An accidental one-time offence is almost always forgivable. My crime was to repeatedly hurt my wife’s feelings, even after she explained why it happened.
Because I don’t react to things the way she does, I’ve never really changed and expected her to adapt to my “right” way of thinking, feeling and acting.
Keep up the good work guys and let me know how it goes for you guys.
She will fall in love with someone else and have love with him, and she will likely tell him and her friends what a fool you are.
You will not like it.
I don’t like to sound like I know everything because I don’t know anything about you or your life or what you think and feel.
But what I think, what I have learned is that when I feel and experience something, I can rely on MANY others to have felt and experienced it too. Because we’re not that different, you and me.
I think most men think about trust in the context of infidelity.
I think one of the biggest reservations guys have when they commit to a relationship or marriage at a young age is that they’re promising never to have love with anyone again. I don’t know if men like variety or options or freedom or whatever, but that’s a big deal when we’re younger.
I usually imagined marriage in such a way that I would get involved with a steadfast girlfriend. When I consented to marriage in my early twenties, I thought that I was okay with having an exclusive relationship with my girlfriend forever and not having love with anyone else.
And that’s dangerous because a girlfriend isn’t that important and it’s pretty easy to replace.
In some ways (if you meant your vows) it is irreplaceable and a piece of your soul will be poisoned and die if you lose that fundamental part of you.
You take it for granted. You take it for granted.
Like your eyesight. Or working legs.
But they are really important.
And you’ll find out when they’re gone.
Trust is rarely about whether or not she worries that you are cheating on her.
It’s more about whether she can trust you won’t hurt her emotionally. It’s about whether she can trust you to help her by not sabotaging her efforts to keep your house clean, planning activities with family and friends, or being a reliable parenting partner.
We had this little stand in our bedroom. I have this thing – especially with jeans – where I wear them once or twice and find them too clean for the laundry basket but too dirty to fold and put away. Laundry limbo, if you will. I used to toss them on that stand in the back of our room.
She didn’t like it because it made the room look messy and she took pride in having a clean and tidy home.
She got mad at me for mindlessly continuing it, even after repeated attempts to get myself to stop.
Men think: why is she making it a federal matter? Is a pair of jeans really THE big thing in my bedroom somewhere where no visitors come?
We rationalize it with our reasonable, logical brains. And we don’t necessarily work very hard to change behaviour because “She’s not going to leave me because the laundry is bloated!
No, she won’t leave you for the laundry.
She’s going to leave you because she can’t trust you to be her partner because you don’t even respect her enough to move your lingerie limbo jeans somewhere else.
“If I can’t trust him with that little itchy little thing,” she thinks, “how can I ever trust him with my heart?
Read aloud: Never let her go (If you’ve said these things about her)
You’re like a child
And in ANY other situation in life, I would tell you that this is a good thing. Children laugh 200-300 times a day and love life and are happy and harmless and free. Adults are unhappy.
We must never stop playing and laughing and dreaming and looking for fun and adventure.
But in a marriage? Being like a child is bad. That is why children cannot and do not want to marry.
Your wife used to be a girl.
The girl you fell in love with because she was beautiful and funny and playful and wanted you and made you feel good.
And now she doesn’t act like that anymore. She is exhausted. Angry. Quick-tempered. Frustrated. Disinterested in your penis. And doesn’t even seem to like or respect you anymore.
And now you’re angry and upset because your mom never treated your dad like that, or because you thought she only cared about you like your mom always did.
You’re angry because you haven’t changed that much, but she has changed and you feel betrayed for saying, “I want,” and now she’s acting like the man she married , not good enough.
You feel undesirable, disrespectful, and ashamed.
But, probably without realizing it, you did it to yourself.
Because you have a home, and finances, and maybe children or pets or possessions that matter. You are no longer children. But you still act like one. When you playfully make fun of your friends or your wife. When you leave your pants outside, or dishes in the sink, or when you forget to do what you promised on the way home.
And all of these little things add up.
Why are you making such a big deal of it! you ask yourself
And now she CANNOT be a child anymore. She can no longer play and laugh and live carefree. Because it is you. And if it does too, nothing will ever be finished.
The clothes will never be washed. The meals will never be made. The children will never have what they need.
You refused to take the next step.
So she had to do it.
And now she is angry, upset, sad and afraid.
Because you let her do all the adult work.
But what is more important?
You gave her no choice. And now she won’t be who she used to be.
And you want this girl back.
But she can’t come back.
Because there is no such thing as time travel.
But the clock is still ticking.