7 Signs You May Still Be Addicted To Someone And How To Change That Quickly
Are you code-dependent? You may have heard the term “addiction” in many recoveries and self-development circles. What does it mean and how does it apply to narcissistic abuse?
Today in this article, I’m going to explain the 7 signs you’re still addicted and how to change it quickly, what to look out for. As you go through this article, I want you to assess how many of these 7 signs are still present in your life. (Let me know in the comments below!)
What it means to be dependent
I believe addiction is about “seeking the self outside of the self”. It means that we look to someone else as our authority, as our source of love, approval, safety and survival, rather than as adults directly and safely creating this for ourselves with the healthy aspects of people and resources in life.
Addiction is a remnant of the unhealed, unfinished wounds of our past, especially our childhood when we didn’t develop enough to feel secure, whole, and self-determined. As a result, we see others as “the parents who can do better” and remain attached to them even when they treat us badly. Instead of letting go and taking care of ourselves, we stay.
As a former codependent, I was shocked that while I was intelligent, strong, and extremely capable, I so often felt empty, powerless, and inferior in a relationship. I clung to abusers and needed to give up even more of my already scarce boundaries and rights to get them to change and love me.
It wasn’t until I went through my Thriver Healing Transformation from the inside out that I learned exactly what was wrong with me.
In this article, I’ll give you some simple signs to tell if addiction is insidiously sabotaging your ability to have safe and healthy relationships.
Knowing these 7 signs can help you understand the dependent parts within you that still tend to relinquish their power and challenge the old notions of how you’ve been trying to meet your needs for love, approval, security, and… to satisfy survival.
You should know that the following traits are very common – many people have them! We can even assume they are kind, caring human traits. But they are not good for us. Please know: You can be empathetic, caring, and functional in a relationship without suffering from addiction.
If you have worked with Thriver Healing before and have released and worked through previous trauma, this is a good opportunity for you to see where you are in resolving your dependent parts.
7 Signs You May Still Be Addicted And How To Change It Fast
#1. You’re obsessed with what you said
When you free yourself from going back to previous conversations and wondering how your words came across to others and thinking, “Did I say something wrong? Maybe they don’t like me for saying that…” then that’s a sign you’re suffering from addiction.
It means your identity is tied to what others think of you. This is a sign that you do not yet have a healed and solid “I”. Perhaps you came from a childhood where the level of love and security you received depended on what other people thought of you at the time.
That can happen. You may not yet know what it means to have YOUR truths and live in accordance with them, and you risk not always agreeing with what other people expect of you.
I want you to think about the following questions…
What are the values and truths that define you?
Are you willing to be yourself and be honest with others, even though it may mean “difficult” conversations?
Are you striving for a solid, inner self-understanding and inner healing so that you are not so tied to what others think of you?
If you’re authentic yet kind and someone gets upset about your truth, you’ll know it’s not your fault. You can be considerate, honest, and communicate without being obsessive and constantly annoying yourself.
#2. correct people
When you tell people what they want to hear, you’re not just making it easy on yourself. It means building an inauthentic world around you, living outside of your values to avoid standing out and risking not being loved.
This can be dangerous for you personally, because you could give up your rights bit by bit.
Because I couldn’t heal my unhealed wounds that didn’t allow me to ground myself in my ‘self’, it used to be very difficult and confusing to be ‘the real me’ in the presence of others.
Like so many of us who have been narcissistically abused, I said what I thought others wanted to hear. Even in non-narcissistic relationships, I didn’t realize this was a problem!
Humans are not mind readers; they can’t find out our needs if we don’t express them honestly. It’s also disingenuous to just want to “go along” to keep the peace and then suddenly be “different” when it gets too much for you.
If someone is looking for “you”, they will not see you. Therefore, you will not inspire respect, loyalty, or devotion. This means you feel taken for granted and even taken advantage of. People who like to please are often exploited. Narcissists love people who please them! Narcissists have no inner “I”. The less “self” you have, the more you will tolerate them.
If you are committed to working on yourself and BEING yourself, you will not allow people to turn off your life force, energy, and resources for their own benefit.
The cure for people who get by is COURAGE – the risk of people disagreeing with you. The only way to create real relationships with your tribe is to be yourself instead of who you think everyone else wants you to be.
How can you attract real love and be accepted if you don’t express who you really are?
Do you realize that it’s impossible to make everyone happy anymore and that being and expressing who you really are would be far more fulfilling? You are the ONLY person who can truly make you happy. The irony is that if you stay true to yourself, you will see how committed other people are to you and love and support you.
It takes dedication and work to get to this point – and I can’t tell you what relief and joy you will experience when you break away from philanthropy!
#3. trouble setting boundaries
Setting boundaries means saying “no” to things that don’t feel authentic, healthy, or okay with you. It’s also about honestly asking for what you need from others. It’s about people knowing where the lines are… this is ‘who’ I am – this is what I don’t accept.
Being your “I” is very important in this (to get back to the inner work) so that you know what your truths and values are.
If you’re having trouble speaking your mind because you’re afraid of CRAP — which means someone will criticize, reject, let you down, or punish you for being yourself — then that’s a struggle with addiction.
Please know how common this is! It’s an important part of recovering from narcissistic abuse because narcissists will attack you if you try to set boundaries!
Therein lies the greatest inner work you can ever do. For me personally it was more than life changing. Before turning within to heal this literal terror with Quanta Freedom Healing, I would have brain fog, panic, or just see “white fluff” when I knew I needed to say something. I just couldn’t.
Thank God I got rid of it!
If, like me, you heal the wounds of your childhood that caused you to be afraid to speak your mind, you will have the power and ability to express yourself, to voice your concerns, to ask the right questions to have difficult conversations and to say “no” and mean it.
These skills are essential in business, in love, and in family and friendship relationships. They are also essential in intimate partner relationships.
There’s so much more I could say about boundaries (and what I’ll teach you in all my classes), but I’ll just say it here: Boundaries aren’t about other people “understanding” your boundary and her “agree”. It’s about YOU understanding and agreeing with her.
There will be people in your life who don’t have the ability or the dream to find your values and boundaries in a healthy way. But you have the power to say “no” and to attract and create relationships that do.
#4. Self-avoidance with addictions instead of self-soothing
A big part of addiction is looking to the outside for relief and comfort, rather than turning within to calm yourself, do the inner work, and heal.
At times when you are being triggered you may eat, smoke, drink, use drugs, work compulsively, watch porn, seek relationships, engage in compulsive activities such as social media, do research, stalk your ex on social media, get into Abuse groups, watch TV, shop, gamble, or even sleep while drunk.
These are all methods of self-avoidance and self-abandonment. They are ways you try to numb your inner pain rather than find it and heal it.
Many sensitive, highly empathic people fall into this category because we feel so much and it’s often overwhelming! You should know that many of us in this community have highly addictive personalities.
I used to have a lot of compulsive “go-to’s”. These included smoking, drinking, workaholism, compulsive research… and the list goes on. By trying to avoid the pain, I was only putting off the problem, and my unappreciated traumas, such as B. the neglected household chores, grew every day and led to me even more compulsively seeking addictive relief.
There is only one answer to escalating the cycle of self-destructive addictions – give up self-avoidance tactics, turn within, and heal. This was an important decision I made to save my life.
Turning away from addiction and coming back to yourself is an important part of addiction recovery and I’m going to give you a very powerful solution at the end of this article to get you started. A solution that will help you free the love, relief and strength you have been looking for in the wrong places – outside of yourself.
#5. Stay tied when you get hurt
You discovered in narcissistic abuse that you stayed even after horrible treatment.
Personally, this amazed and shocked me. I knew I was smart and incredibly resourceful, yet I couldn’t stay away. Before I felt so helpless and powerless and asked myself “why” I was doing this to myself, I should go to someone who had done the most unimaginable and disgusting things to me.
Today I know: I suffered from my broken inner child parts that didn’t believe that I could survive on my own. When he hurt me, I was drawn to him even more and tried to regulate his behavior so I could be safe.
As children we were defenseless, but as adults we are not.
I promise you with all my heart that if you let go and turn inward to change all of the reasons for your unconscious attachment, you will be able to move on to being the adult to yourself that you can be , and healing you into your own safety, sanity, and well-being.
#6. Trying to fix and change other people
The classic sign of dependency is trying to fix and change other people who don’t have the ability to be healthy and safe for you.
When people don’t have the ability or dream to be kind, honest, and committed to teamwork, finding solutions, and working on their own character and integrity, trying to fix and change them to make you feel better becomes turn out bad.
If you try unsuccessfully to control these people, YOU spiral even more out of control. The longer you stay lecturing and dictating to them, holding them accountable and forcing them to repent, reform and make amends, the more you will be brutally abused.
The only person you can fix and change is yourself! This is the place where your true self, life and power emerge.
#7. Not allowing others to be themselves
Dependence has nothing to do with love. please let me explain
You are trying to change someone against their will and ability to become who YOU want them to be so that YOU are happy. This isn’t love.
Imagine finding a loving, genuine person who doesn’t believe in healthy eating, exercise, or socializing, even though these are important values for you.
If you’re trying to get her off the couch against her will so she stops watching TV, that’s control—no matter how much you think it’s good for her! Either you have to live outside of your values and spend more time with them in front of the TV, or they have to start doing things they don’t want to do to please you.
Can you see where this is going? A strong problem with resentment and pain! Of course, it would be better for both of you if you split up and find people who match your respective values.
Here’s proof: “I love you enough to respect your choices and values, just as I respect mine.” Therefore I free you and me.”
This is true love!
Now let’s look at abusive people. They don’t share your values of kindness, caring, integrity, teamwork, and finding solutions. “Love” doesn’t mean forcing her against her will to “adopt” your values. Rather, it is control.
Letting go and allowing others to be themselves is the only way to free yourself and the most powerful way to break free from addiction. However, this is easier said than done and requires targeted inner healing!
Assess your dependencies
It’s such a relief to share our hearts with a partner! Please know: Addiction is a symptom of humanity – we all have it to varying degrees. So much guilt and shame can accompany these tendencies. That’s why it’s so refreshing and healing to share, to release the “nasty feelings” surrounding our addictions, and then devote ourselves to healing together as a strong tribe.
I love that I can teach you the things I needed to learn most while I continue to develop my “I”!
Please write your review (and any other details you’d like to share) in the comments below. This also encourages others to accept, evolve and heal themselves. It gives them permission to be their own SELF!