No matter how toxic (and pointless) it is to keep craving for the ex, most women find it all too difficult to let go and go forward.
Let’s say you had a job where you were constantly stressed, anxious, and unhappy. You have used everything you could, even if it came at the expense of your ego and sometimes your mind. And let’s say you got fired from this job.
Yes, being unemployed is scary, so you’ll feel angry and worried at first, but you’ll also likely feel relieved.
You will recognize that it was the best and be grateful that you are now free to find a job that is more suitable for you, a job in which you feel valued and appreciated.
You won’t spend sleepless nights craving this old job and wondering what went wrong and what else you could have done. You will see with absolute clarity that it was not the right place for you.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly stressed, anxious, worried, and unhappy. You use everything you have to make it work, you give everything, also at the expense of your dignity and your emotional well-being.
You gave everything, but it wasn’t enough and he broke up with you. You were unhappy with him and now you are even more unhappy without him. You spend months, maybe even years, yearning for him.
Unfortunately, a relationship is difficult to see through the same objective lens as a job.
In relationships, it’s not just our emotions that we bring in, it’s our egos, our past pain, our childhood trauma, our insecurities, our fears. Everything is activated and if the bomb detonates, it can take months or years to get it right.
As a result, when a relationship ends, you are missing not only the other person, but also many parts of yourself. Many people make the mistake of thinking that they are so sad after a breakup because they really miss their former partner.
To some extent, that’s true, but it’s far from the big picture. The pain we feel comes from various sources, and most have nothing to do with the ex himself.
Here are the real reasons why it’s so hard to get over it:
1. You think you will never find someone as amazing as you
This is the greatest separation myth of all and the reason why most people find it so difficult to get over their first love. They cling to the belief that since they have never experienced anything like this, they will never do it again.
You convince yourself that no other person on the planet has the same qualities as him and therefore have two options: to bring him back or to be satisfied with someone who can never keep up. I hope you can see the absurdity in it!
Are you going to meet someone else who is just like him? No, because no two people are exactly the same and nonetheless, you and he have separated and it proves that someone like him is not exactly what you need.
You will not find anyone with their exact characteristics … you will find someone who is even better and more compatible with you.
2. You were enchanted
Most people confuse true love with falling in love, although these two concepts couldn’t be more different. Love is about realistically seeing who the other person is, mistakes and everything, and appreciating the big picture.
It makes no demands or needs things in a certain way, it grows and flows effortlessly and creates an environment in which both people get the best out of each other.
Falling in love is about creating an unrealistic picture of who the other person is and transforming them into a higher, perfect being. The biggest sign that you’re in love is when you can’t find a single fault in the other person.
Falling in love usually happens because you have a gap in your life that he fills. You don’t feel good enough about yourself and this supreme being shows interest in you, making you feel desirable and worthy, and you cling to him to feel better.
His approval gives you the feeling that you feel okay … it makes you feel “good enough”, at least temporarily. Since he is giving you something you need so badly, you are afraid of losing him and then panic sets in … what if he loses interest? How can i keep it
You let him get away with as much bad behaviour as he wants because you are too afraid to confront him and lose him. As he pulls out, you do everything in your power to get him back in.
You are in a relationship where you are not treated the way you want, and yet you cannot tear yourself away. So you stay.
At some point it ends and you become more broken and empty than before. You continue to idealize it and think that the only way you will ever feel better is when it comes back.
Self-love always starts from the inside, it can never be achieved from the outside. Until you realize that, you will remain in the relentless grip of heartache.
3. You sold yourself
That ties in with being in love. In unhealthy relationships, we will often “sell” ourselves to make it work. Selling yourself means accepting behaviours that you would otherwise consider unacceptable, or trying to be someone that you are not.
Maybe you no longer express your own opinion, maybe you are no longer the same bubbly, confident person that you once were, maybe you put him and his needs above your own.
The emotional devastation you feel after a breakup is usually proportional to the extent to which you have sold yourself. When these relationships end, you will often feel that a piece of you is missing, as if you were not whole.
It’s a pathetic, almost disgusting feeling. You may feel that return is the only cure, but it is not.
What you need to do is look at yourself and really try to determine why you have accepted such bad treatment for so long and what steps you can take to avoid getting yourself back into such a situation.
4. You miss the way he made you feel
Most of the time, it’s not the type you miss … it’s the feelings you experienced when you were with him. You miss the intimacy, the closeness, the feeling of being desired and admired. You miss the way you felt more with him than you miss him.
There is almost always a time of retreat after an important element of our life is gone. Whether it is your decision to eradicate it or not, there will suddenly be a gap and you will feel a little lost trying to find the strength you had when you were with him.
It’s like quitting smoking. First of all, you think that without the cigarette you will never make it through the day. It will definitely be difficult at first glance, but if you want to overcome the initial inconvenience, you will be able to work just as well or even better than before!
If you go through a breakup, you may miss the feeling of being loved and cared for. To fill this empty space, surround yourself with people who really care about you and love you for who you are.
Concentrate on reshaping your life so that you feel fulfilled and content who you are. You have probably relied on him to give you a sense of value, and now it is time to take responsibility and give it to yourself.
5. You have given up your life
A friend can quickly become part of your life to your whole life. You see your friends less, you spend less time on your hobbies, you stop pursuing your passions.
You want to spend every free moment with him and you can’t tear yourself away. It feels like it’s your everything … because it’s it! And if “everything” goes, there is nothing left for you. You feel empty as if a piece of you is missing.
The fact is that many pieces are missing from you and it is not the last magical piece of the puzzle. It starts with rebuilding your life and making it full and balanced.
If you drop other elements of your life and let your husband fill this room, you will have a huge hole as soon as he leaves you.
Realize that this hole is not there because it was the other half of your soul, but because you have thrown many important elements of your life overboard.
6. You took it too personally
Most of the time, the pain we feel after a breakup is really the throb of a badly bruised ego. Rejection hurts, even if it has nothing to do with you, it can still sting and make you feel like you’re somehow not good enough.
Sometimes two people just don’t match, it’s that simple. Sometimes both people can see this with complete clarity, and sometimes only one person.
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