5 ways his mom can damage your relationship (even if she doesn’t mean it)
Do you think his mother can poison your relationship? Marriage always brings a lot of problems, and sometimes it’s important to balance the different personalities in a family. It’s mostly about his mother. Sometimes the problem arises not from a hateful motive but from a lack of adjustment.
Your mother-in-law may not have ulterior motives to ruin your relationship, but there are ways his mother poisons your relationship. Understanding these signs can help you find the right attitude to approach things positively.
When I got engaged, I vividly remember a friend saying to me, “Just so you know, there are ways his mom can poison your relationship — even if she doesn’t mean it.” I remember thinking, ‘Yeah, sure, but that’s not going to happen to us. Boy what was I wrong?
Mothers-in-law are not inherently evil and have a bad reputation. But I do know that my mother-in-law played a role in the health of my marriage and I wish I knew then what I know now!
Here are 5 ways his mom can poison your relationship
And some things you can do to stop the poison before it kills her.
1. She’s always done things “just like that.”
I know that when I was growing up, my mother always did things “just like that”. On Christmas Eve there was a party, carols, a gift and midnight mass. We didn’t turn on the heat until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for the immediate family.
Nobody had to eat everything on their plate. That’s the way things were. And that’s how I was when I went into my marriage. And throughout my ex-husband’s life, my mother-in-law has done things “just like that,” but her “just like that” didn’t match mine. This has caused some friction in our relationship.
My ex-husband didn’t care how we celebrated Christmas or birthdays or when we turned on the heat—he went with it all. Unfortunately, his mother’s ideas and mine were often very different. And of course I wanted to do things my way, like my mother wanted. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.
what did my ex do He should still hold back and stay out of the conflict. This caused my mother-in-law and I to have a lot of problems in the early years of our marriage. Has this poisoned my relationship with my husband? In any case.
As the years went by, I learned to adapt. I learned to accept and decide what I wanted to do “just like that” and to let her take precedence on that point as well. So there should still be peace between us, but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that existed in the years leading up to the resolution of the issues.
2. You go way back.
Like it or not, your husband and his mother have known each other for a very long time. At one point in his life, she was his and he was hers. She taught him to walk, talk, eat, swim, read and drive. She was there for all the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set over him!
I can tell you that my favorite person in THE WHOLE WORLD is and probably always will be my son. (sorry my friend). It’s hard for me to imagine that one day he’ll be with someone he loves dearly and turns to when he’s sad, happy, upset, or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the shit out of me. Because that’s what I’ve always been to him.
So if you’re wondering how his mom can poison your relationship, know that it’s one thing. She came first and her love for him is intense. And that following in their footsteps can be very painful.
If your husband’s mother is causing conflict in your relationship, know that it could be because of that pain — that she’s adjusting to losing her son to another woman. I would encourage you to be as kind and patient with her as you can – give her some time to adjust to the new reality.
If you can manage to be kind during this time of transition instead of being angry and offended, you will break free and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
3. He might have a conflict of loyalties.
The same applies here: your husband and his mother have known each other for a long time. He has loved her all his life and she has always been there for him. I suspect he would do anything for her. I know my son would do anything for me.
So imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life – another woman whom he loves dearly and would do anything for. And imagine if these two women would want to know different things about him.
Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but one of their strengths isn’t managing conflict between women. Remember that women spend every minute of their lives processing feelings. For us it’s child’s play.
But men not so much. For them, conflict is something terrifying and something that must be avoided at all costs!
So when your man has to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most, you can imagine how paralyzed he will be. He usually doesn’t have the skills he needs to handle what’s happening between the two of you. So what is he doing? He just doesn’t go into it. And what does that mean? He makes the conflict even worse.
When you find that your man is genuinely torn between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, acknowledge it for what it is. have some compassion Help him get through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all – that’s what couples do.
4. You might be jealous.
So be honest with yourself. Are you just a little jealous of your guy’s mom? Are you maybe jealous of all the years they’ve been together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he calls her for an hour every Sunday night and changes your schedules?
If so, don’t be so hard on yourself. Jealousy is natural.
A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid, and it can be very intimidating to get into. And we often get into relationships with men who are close to their mothers, thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like dating a guy who has a daughter, it can be off-putting to know that your guy has another woman he loves as much as you do.
But I can tell you one thing. Everyone, absolutely everyone, has the ability to love you fully. Just because your man loves his mother or daughter very much doesn’t mean he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a place in his heart – there is plenty of room for all of you – even if others were there first.
So one way his mother can poison your relationship is actually with YOU, not HER. I’ll tell you how.
The last time you were arguing with your husband about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him, “If you loved me more, would you put me first?” Or did you think he might love you There’s no way he can really love if he doesn’t automatically choose you every time?
If the answer to any of these statements is yes, then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your husband, not his mother. That you insist that the extent to which he loves you is reflected in whether or not he chooses you over her. And telling yourself that, or worse, telling him that, will only tear your relationship apart.
Your man can love you fully and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you – it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in handling it!
5. You are only two women in this world.
My father once said to me, “If we weren’t family, we wouldn’t be friends. It’s nice to hear something like that from your father, isn’t it? Still, those words got me thinking — they got me thinking about the difference between friends and family.
You choose your friends, you get your family. Another way his mother can poison your relationship is when you both disagree. If you weren’t mostly friends in the real world, it makes it all the more difficult to get along in a family relationship.
My stepmother and I have had conflicts for years. She always hated my relationship with my dad and made my life miserable for 35 years (which I’m sure I did to her, too). As I grew up, I realized that we would never have been friends in the real world.
We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have gone even further. Just because my father brought her into our world didn’t mean we would get along.
So think about it. Could it be that you and your partner’s mom are just so different that you could never be friends in the real world? If so, you should consider that. Just because you’re (a little) related now doesn’t mean you have to be best friends.
Treat your husband’s mother the way you would treat a work colleague you don’t get along with very well. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational, knowing that at the end of the day you will go home with your partner and they will go home with you.
She doesn’t have to be your best friend – you’ve had enough of them already!