I have to make a confession. You are ready? In relationships with other people, I am very toxic and spoil everything myself.
Realizing that you are a toxic person is a slow and frustrating process.
When thinking about toxicity in a relationship, it’s easy to shift the blame onto another person. You look back at the past and think that it was he who was to blame for all the quarrels, jealousy and drama. How dare he not satisfy your need for communication? Why couldn’t he be honest with you? Why are you drawn to him?
You think that you are so attracted to toxic people, why do you constantly have relationships with such people.
But the truth is, toxicity is two-sided. Most people are not angry or toxic for no reason. People are people, each with its own complex history and character that has shaped us as we are.
If you have suffered from toxic relationships at some point in your life, part of the healing after them and reaching emotional maturity is accepting the fact that you, too, are sometimes to blame for toxic behavior.
You cannot control your partner’s behavior, no matter how much you want to. But you can influence your behavior. And if you want a healthier relationship, then here are 5 habits you need to recognize in yourself to change that:
1. You live in denial and push people away.
Denial is when you are not honest about your feelings for someone, which causes you to keep the person at arm’s length for months until it’s too late.
For almost a year I went out with a close friend. We only walked together, went to a cafe, constantly corresponded, always made plans in advance.
I even got to know his parents. And gradually I realized that I had quite real feelings for him. I don’t know if he felt the same way.
I told other friends about this, but decided not to do anything, because I just broke up with my boyfriend and didn’t want to rush into a serious relationship again. Of course, we still spent time together, which only confused us even more.
I ended up sharing my feelings with him. It turned out they were mutual. But I still wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.
Output? I had to distance myself from him, and I selfishly enjoyed his company. At the same time, if I was ready, I had to immediately tell him about my feelings. Don’t play with the feelings of others.
2. You live for the drama.
We are all to blame for this sometimes. When real life gets boring, we want some adrenaline, shake up the relationship. We start to find fault with everything – just because.
But why not save your time and energy and the feelings of both of you? Why put on drama for drama? If you’re in a relationship with someone, just so that you don’t get bored, you need to reevaluate the reasons for the relationship.
3. You only think about intimacy.
Maybe men can do that, but women almost always fall in love and become attached to the one with whom they sleep. You can tell yourself that this is only love, you can even think so, but this is even a purely biochemical process because during intimacy hormones are produced that contribute to the development of feelings.
Therefore, if you are not ready to develop a relationship, you need to end love as soon as one of you begins to have feelings. So it will be fair. No one should use the person who has feelings for you.
4. You are not honest about your intentions from the beginning.
When you start dating someone, be honest about your intentions. If this seems too much for you, it is worth considering whether you are ready for a relationship at all and be honest with people as an adult.
This does not mean that you should immediately say what you want on the first date. But by the third date, it is quite logical to explain your intentions. So you just save your time and his. It’s better to get over this can be awkward conversation than wait and waste time and then understand that you need different things from the relationship.
5. You don’t explain what went wrong.
If you do not like something, especially if you want to leave, you need to explain to the person what is wrong. If someone violates your boundaries, you owe it to yourself to explain why their behavior is unacceptable. This will increase the chances that he will not do it again.
This is healthy adult communication, even if you decide not to date again.