5 signs your relationship is already over and it’s time to let go
breakups happen. This is a fact of every relationship: all relationships end until one goes no further. Sometimes separation comes screaming out of the blue, other times it’s like watching an oncoming train and knowing there’s no way to avoid it in time. But not every relationship ends with a loud and dramatic climax. Sometimes the end has already come and nobody noticed. Your relationship shuffles along like a zombie putting on an empty show as your hopes and dreams quietly dissolve into despair.
Sometimes you get that vague feeling that something isn’t right while you’re both trying to take things half-heartedly forward because that’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? After all, it can be hard to trigger a breakup even when you know it has to happen. But there comes a point when everyone has to realize that the patient is dead and no CPR, couples therapy, lingerie, or weekend getaways can bring him back.
Here’s how to recognize that your relationship is already over and it’s time to let it go.
5) You do not communicate with each other
Communication is the be-all and end-all for the success of a relationship. No one can read minds, and expecting your partner to anticipate your wants and needs is a path to frustration and disappointment. However, there is a difference between communication and “filling the air with noise”. We tend to confuse “talk” with “communicate” and try to cover up the moments of silence with verbal phrases as if it’s a way to banish relationship troubles. In practice, however, it doesn’t matter if you coexist in companionable silence or chatter like a pair of extroverted cockatoos, as long as you can articulate your needs clearly.When everyone is talking but no one is really committed, there are problems. And if you both can’t find a way to bridge that gap, then the relationship is dry.
It doesn’t matter how long your conversations can go if they’re just superficial. If you can’t ask for what you really want or need, or open up about your real feelings, then in a relationship your relationship is dead. It doesn’t matter if you feel like you “shouldn’t” want it or if you’re afraid the answer will be “no” if you ask. It doesn’t matter if a fight ensues if you make your needs clear; Avoiding or ending a conflict doesn’t really make a relationship stronger if nothing is resolved, and quite frankly, some arguments just have to happen. Sometimes conflict moves things forward.If you don’t have the emotional space and security to make yourself heard and understood, then it’s time to move on.
4) You go from quarrel to quarrel
No couple, no matter how well they understand each other or how much they love each other, can avoid a fight. As long as you are two separate people, there will always be conflicts. For some couples, “putting on each other and then passionate make-up love” is part of their dynamic and they don’t have a problem with it.
But there are the occasional outbursts that go with every relationship, and then there are the relationships where those quiet moments aren’t the calm, they’re the calm before the storm. If your relationship has become a never-ending series of arguments, complaints, and fights, then your relationship has passed its expiration date. Fighting over and over again is a sure sign that something is going wrong in your relationship and you are failing to address it. Maybe you’re not ready to admit that you were wrong. He or she may not be able to bring himself to let go of previous arguments and has stored up insults and insults such as prize cards from passive-aggressive emotional skee-ball games and is now ready to
It’s important to know that arguing isn’t just about loud voices and harsh words. The fact that you don’t yell doesn’t mean you’re avoiding an argument or that you’re emotionally superior to them. “U mad bro” doesn’t work on the Internet and certainly has no place in a relationship. Cold disdain, snide comments, or old-fashioned ignoring of your partner is just as emotionally damaging as an argument where the neighbors call the cops. It’s still emotional violence that tears your heart and soul apart, and the only way to heal is to stop trying to assign blame or get the upper hand and just walk away.
And while we’re about holding grudges…
3) There is no trust (and nothing is forgiven)
One of the hardest things to accept in a relationship is that nobody is perfect and that people make mistakes. Sometimes the pain is painful, but you can deal with it. In other cases, the pain is so serious that it is doomed to die out in a relationship.
Part of what makes a relationship is the effort to get past the ugly spots and repair the damage… but that requires everyone involved to actually try to fix things. One person must work to undo the harm they have caused, and the other must work to accept that redemption, restore trust, and free the power to forgive.
All too often we feel obligated to say the right things and constantly slip through the cracks, but we never really let things heal. Saying you forgive someone or that you are forgiven sounds nice, but it means nothing if forgiveness is not involved. It’s one thing when the wounds still haven’t healed. It’s another matter when you’ve made a good faith effort to repair the damage and move on, but you or your partner just can’t or won’t get over it. Oftentimes, toxic partners withhold their forgiveness to retaliate or control. Other times, they’re simply holding the relationship hostage to make sure they’re “behaving well.”If you’re always looking for evidence of future transgressions, or your past sins are constantly being used as a weapon against you, then it’s clear that no matter what anyone says, the damage has been far too great.
2) Nothing is ever settled
Of course, not all conflicts in a relationship are like arguments. Sometimes these conflicts are the lack of progress, where no matter what you do, nothing changes. You can talk until you’re blue in the face. You can have one discussion at a time. You can fight, scream and yell. You can support your arguments with diagrams and graphs.
But whether you’re calm and rational, fiery and emotional, or somewhere in between, it makes no difference. In the end, everything will stay exactly the way it is because no one is willing to meet anyone halfway. They are not even willing to move an inch. You’ve stood like a tree and you’re like, “No, deal with it now.”
Worst of all, of course, is when your partner even agrees that things need to change. They walk through and say the right words, and for a moment you feel like you’ve made a breakthrough. But then reality catches up with you when the promised changes never happen. Never. Now you’re at the awkward crossroads of having another discussion on the subject, maybe even a full-blown argument with all the inconvenience and emotional drain that that entails… or do you just give up because there’s no point?
Maybe they’re trying to stay in control in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Maybe they just don’t care enough to make a change. That does not matter. Whether you can’t or don’t want to address the underlying issues, it’s best for both of you to draw a firm line.
1) You want it to be over
Many people remain in broken or failing relationships because they are looking for a reason to come up with to end the relationship. Ironically, that’s the surest sign the relationship is over: it’s over because you chose it that way.
What a lot of people forget is that you don’t need proof that a relationship is over or that you need a sign that it’s time to leave. They know it – they want to break up with their partner – but they’re looking for something that gives them permission, something to point to and say, “There! That’s why I can call it quits.”
But ultimately, the only reason you need to end a relationship is because you want to get out. There is no separation court vetoing your decision and requiring you to come back with proof. Relationships are not the launch codes for nuclear submarines; you don’t need both parties to turn the key and ultimately trigger the breakup.
You don’t have to be in a relationship one second longer than you want. If you’ve decided you want to get off, you’re allowed to go. Don’t sacrifice your happiness or time looking for an “acceptable” sign or reason for the relationship to end. When you realize the relationship is over, do what needs to be done: end it, quickly and cleanly.