Holding onto a toxic relationship instead of letting it go is the norm in most cases. The force it takes to break away from a relationship, let alone a toxic one, is huge and the fear of the pain we might feel is even worse.
If you want to find the strength to stop holding onto a toxic relationship, it’s important to understand why we are holding onto – what motivates us not to let go and walk away from something that only makes us unhappy.
To help you understand, here are 5 reasons you are stuck in a toxic relationship and how you can push back the reasons so you can move on.
Here are 5 reasons you could stick to a toxic relationship
1. Fear of being alone.
It is the human condition to want to be in a couple. To have someone to share your life and experiences with. That is the goal.
Unfortunately for many of us we are willing to settle for “good enough” when it comes to finding the other half of our couple. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand, we will NEVER find another person to love. The prospect of getting back on the streets to find this person is overwhelmingly daunting.
So we’re holding onto the person we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.
Let me tell you from decades of personal and professional experience that there is always another person out there for us. We may not be able to find them right away, but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship we are in right now.
So if you stay in your toxic relationship because you believe that when you leave you will always be alone, then let me tell you that you won’t! There’s a person out there for you, a person who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.
2. Low self-esteem.
I can’t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.
They just don’t believe that they are worthy of a good love and if they do, then they have no idea how to find it.
Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be lower self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolate ourselves from our friends, are belittled for any perceived inadequacies, and know deep down that we are not being treated well.
And when we don’t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don’t feel good either.
For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was to focus on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And because I felt good, I could let him go and find someone who could see how great I am.
3. Patterns of behavior and habits.
I can’t stress enough the huge role patterns play in our lives.
Think about your daily routines and patterns, and how bad you feel on days when your routines are broken. For example, if you always have breakfast before you go out the door and one day you can’t make it and you just don’t feel comfortable for the rest of the day.
Now imagine that in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And these patterns and routines solidify in our lives. Breaking them can be almost impossible.
Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or are you wondering who you would go to the cinema with on Wednesdays? These are the patterns designed to keep us with our toxic loved ones. We don’t want to let go of them, we can’t imagine life without them, and that’s supposed to keep us trapped.
Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together becomes routine. I broke up with him in my toxic relationship and then, like clockwork, he contacted me 8 weeks later and before I knew I was back to where I had started. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened.
Since then, I’ve learned that if you break that 8 week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays. I did it.
4. Self-blame.
One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that after a while we start to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong.
I have a client whose husband was in a relationship with one of her employees. My client has been asking her husband to fire this woman for three years, and for three years he has promised and not done so. She is beside herself and rightly so.
The thing is, her husband did a remarkable job of making her feel like her problems are HER fault. He says they could be happy if she just let it be. That she has no compassion for this other woman’s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Some days she really questions her sanity because of his allegations.
Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you think if you’d just been a little nicer, or paid him more attention, or had love with him than he wanted, then everything would be fine?
If so, stop. Your person makes your life difficult and although you may play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it is NOT just your fault.
5. You are soul mates.
Do you think the relationship you share with yourself is like no other? That the intense passion and connection you share cannot be compared to any other relationship and that it would be such a waste to let it go?
Let me tell you that EVERYONE thinks this about their relationship. I hate popping your bubble, but while the love you feel for this person may be strong, it is not the ultimate love in the world, and letting go of it won’t be the end of love for you.
In fact, if you can let go of your toxic love, then the MUCH more likely you will find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.
I did it.
Clinging to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain we will feel if we let go.
But letting go of toxic love is very important to a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who makes your life unhappy more times than they make you happy?
Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is like your life is today?
I know that for me ultimately getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength, and focus to build my business and self-esteem. It made me realize that I can break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that it was okay for me to be alone and that although our love was special to me, there really is another, better love in this world.
So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something you can start now!
If you have made it this far, you must really be struggling with clinging to a toxic relationship.
Let me help you NOW before it’s too late.
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