4 Reasons Emotionally Damaged People Fail Love

Emotionally damaged people have a harder time being in a healthy relationship and have a harder time accepting genuine love from someone. They find it challenging and difficult to love someone, no matter how much they might want to.

A reader wonders how she can mend her relationship with an emotionally damaged man who says he can’t love.

i love my partner When he broke my heart 2 weeks ago he said he can’t feel love (rough childhood, background, etc.). Now he has said that he was on the verge of telling me he loved me so much (as I do) so many times, but he thought I was laughing at him.

I am head over heels in love with this emotionally damaged man. What should I do to try to fix my relationship?

The short answer is this: nothing.

You are doing absolutely nothing.

You don’t call him, text him, text him, text him, or send him smoke signals or carrier pigeons.

You are doing absolutely nothing specifically to fix your relationship in the first place.

Let him do his thing in the slum while you make yourself as genuinely and ridiculously happy as humanly possible.

Here are 4 reasons why emotionally damaged people screw up love

1) Emotionally damaged people arrive BUILT for pain.

They don’t want it and go to great lengths to avoid it – but they EXPECT to get hurt and in doing so cause enough pain to keep them busy for a lifetime.

If you fall in love with her and act all sweet and reassuring, then things are great at first.

Unfortunately, after a while, that stubborn self-loathing creeps back in and they can’t absorb your love and care. They start to feel like they don’t deserve it and then they become disrespectful and suspicious of you. You start to withdraw.

No matter what they do, they feel like a shitty person inside, so unworthy of love. And if you try to love someone who feels unworthy, they’ll just wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

2) Tenderly loving someone who hates themselves makes them feel like you’re the biggest dung heap fan in the world.

They may be temporarily flattered that you admire their dunghill, but unless they do something to clean up their own self-image, they will eventually decide the problem is YOU (you must be wrong AND have terrible taste) and themselves try so hard that you end up believing that they really are terrible.

That’s why when you’re in a relationship, you can almost feel what they’re thinking (and maybe they even said):

“There has to be a catch somewhere.”

And or:

“It’s so wonderful that I’m afraid the other shoe will fall off.

Then, insane (regardless of what would actually result in a happy life for everyone involved) – the emotionally damaged person either withdraws, cheats, or does something shitty like a breakup with you by explaining how they do it

“Can’t Feel Love”

And/or my favorite:

“I’ll only hurt you”

Both is short for

“When you see who I really am – you’re going to leave me for sure (because… once again… underneath my outer shell, I’m totally unlovable and unworthy), so we might as well cut ties now.”

3) Anyway, essentially they have told you that they will emotionally crush you (the person they SAY they want to love but can’t).

Then, in that emotional slingshot that only people in love are capable of, she encourages you to patiently accept any crappy treatment they throw at you (they need more love to heal) AND reassure them of your feelings for them (because “all you need is love,” right? RIGHT??).

Faced with this type of self-loathing, the average partner tries to salvage the relationship by staying close to offer constant nurturing and reassurance.

In words and deeds, it was essentially saying, “Oh no, no, I really love you. I really say that. This time it’s different because I know I’m safe for you and look how good we are together – why would you want to give up on us when we’re so good together?

Makes logical sense, doesn’t it?

Sadly, this sincere and kind approach to keeping any relationship alive by showing MORE love and reassurance to a broken shell of a loved one is completely ineffective.

From your perspective, you know how much you love him, trust yourself to be consistent, and want to hang out on a porch swing together when you’re both 97 years old.

The problem is that damaged people don’t logically hear what you said when feelings start to flare up around words that start with “L”.

When you reassure them of your love, and perhaps express your perfectly reasonable pain at their hurtful and dismissive withdrawal (no shame here- even the most adamant of us have tried to have a rational discussion about what’s happening) – think this:

“Do you see? I’m toxic and unworthy. Look how much I hurt her. Besides, how could anyone love me if I behave like this? It’s obviously not as good as I initially thought. This is not safe for anyone. I’d better turn that off now.”

Do you see the disrespect turning from themselves to you? It’s the old Groucho Marx quote, played in real time: “I wouldn’t want to be in any club that had me as a member.

Because you love him—and he feels completely unlovable—your loving care ends up making you look like a total jerk to him.

That’s why people withdraw when they fall in love, why they do crazy things like “killing great relationships for no reason” and cheating, abusing and hurting loyal people who really love them.

4) Self-hatred CANNOT be overcome with tender love from the outside.

When such a bump in the road happens, emotionally saner people tend to think, “Oh, this is like me when I’m scared and need reassurance. I give them reassurance of how much I love them and that will do the trick.”

On the surface, “I can’t love” sounds like it’s totally curable, and with enough time and loving care from someone (perhaps a really good woman like you) – eventually he’ll get comfortable and trust you.

However, this process of changing and healing these old wounds is not a superpower possessed by anyone on the outside.

There is exactly ONE person who possesses this ability – and that is him.

The treatment he THINK he deserves right now is for you to agree that he’s awful and leave him in the dust as he doesn’t deserve anything else. If you don’t reflect his reality as he walks out the door, he will only continue to systematically devalue you.

Therefore, all love and care that comes from you and every effort to “fix” the relationship must cease. You can’t assure him that he’s lovable or be the good woman who ultimately helps him change like in the movies.

Someone so determined to sabotage your relationship will do it without serious introspection, emotional work, and therapy.

Rather than take responsibility for his “inability to feel love” (for heaven’s sake…why not drop the drama and give love a try instead?), he’s chosen the nuclear option — a breakup that’s a great opportunity for him to experience more self-pity and self-loathing.

Do you see how this self hate breeds more self hate?

It’s made him emotionally disconnect from someone who has the genuine ability to love and care for him — thus perpetuating the “world-class poo-self-loathing” cycle.

That’s why I said in the beginning that you can’t and shouldn’t do anything else in his direction than make you incredibly happy. And, this is a big part of my program, Ex Attraction Formula- where I provide more insight and specific guidance on how to get your ex back.

4 Reasons Emotionally Damaged People Fail Love

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