We fear intimacy in relationships for a variety of reasons. It can be scary to open up to the other person and then be left alone. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship. The fear of intimacy is omnipresent.
It’s also one of those topics that one doesn’t like to admit and that one doesn’t like to talk about. No wonder, because the topic itself is already intimate and sensitive.
But I can see that more vulnerability and openness in relationships could change our lives. Not only would we be happy, but we would also feel closer to each other, within our families, friends, and ultimately the world.
Why is intimacy important?
When you find the right partner (important assumption number one), your closeness makes your relationship stronger. When you open up, you keep the love going between you. In this way you lay a strong foundation for your future life.
When you are vulnerable, you allow your partner to discover new aspects and dimensions within you. Therefore, he will better understand your choices and moods. This way you eliminate the room for possible misunderstanding.
Intimacy means: looking into me.
Opening up is a never ending process. There are always new levels in you. When you share more aspects of yourself with your partner, it will help both of you grow. Slowly you get through the ego masks and childish games and you begin to see the other’s soul.
Truth, along with love, is the most healing essence of this universe. When you take off the masks, what’s left is the truth.
You will be surprised how much we lie to ourselves and to others about who we are. This is not possible in an intimate relationship.
3 main reasons for fear of intimacy
While I could list many reasons, I believe these three are at the center of the fear of intimacy. They all originate in our ego and give us a false sense of security. The ego loves to control and what better way to do that than to create an illusion of separation between two people.
1. The fear that others will see the real you.
As I mentioned earlier, we are always lying to ourselves. Most of the things we believe are not rooted in the truth. The more personal something becomes, the greater the illusions we create. The most intimate are, of course, ourselves.
Very few people can see themselves truthfully while most others believe in their identities. Over time, you make yourself believe that you are better or worse than you are.
Subconsciously, you pick up on your family and friends’ beliefs and build yourself a robust personality full of the qualities you should be.
When you meet a new person, you show off your best qualities and reinforce the parts of you that you would like to have. In other words, you are selling the other person an illusion.
After a little longer in a relationship, all of these masks start to wiggle as the other person stops believing in them.
At this point, your ego freaks out. It has spent your whole life building a perfect identity and now someone else is not recognizing it. Now most relationships are starting to fall apart.
We fear intimacy because others may see the parts of us that we don’t like in ourselves.
It is not possible to play the show for too long if you avoid intimacy. We don’t want others to see the parts of us that we don’t love. It’s not about them; it’s about us.
The fear of intimacy wins us over because we value these masks and identities more than anyone seeing who we are. Because in most cases, people don’t know who they are, and in an intimate relationship, what they thought they were starts to fade.
Although it scares the ego, intimacy in relationships is a beautiful process that allows you and your partner to see the truth of who you are. Provided they aren’t projecting their ego onto you – that’s not intimacy.
Do you want to know more about fear of intimacy in relationships? Check out this video below!
2. You don’t feel worthy of love.
So my heart overflows with love and compassion because I can see who they really are. But most people do not believe that they are worthy of love. Even though they have beautiful souls, they do not realize it.
Another reason for fear of intimacy is that people don’t believe they are lovable and they fear that others will find out too.
When you feel that you don’t deserve love, you are subconsciously doing everything in your power to push the love away. This is how you fear intimacy because you believe that if you allow someone to get close to you, they might find out that you are not that great.
They might also consider you unlovable. And that would hurt you so much that you’d rather push her away before that happens.
3. The fear of losing control.
The final main reason for fear of intimacy is a subconscious belief that you are going to lose control.
The ego wants to have everything under control because that’s the only way it can run the show. Anything that appears to threaten the source of false power is considered an enemy.
In intimate relationships, there is no place for ego and control. If your bond with your partner is very close, you can see right through their ego.
Same goes for them. Hence, the ego cannot survive in intimate relationships. It loses control.
Often people believe that being independent means not letting anyone get near you. They want everything their own way, and if someone disagrees, they walk away.
But that doesn’t lead to a happy life because no matter how hard we try, we can’t control everything. And that shouldn’t be the goal either.
The fear of intimacy triggers the desire to increase control.
Perhaps you’ve met people who open up a little and then freak out and close themselves off.
When they are vulnerable with you, it feels like heaven to both of you. But if they shut up, they might even say hurtful words to keep you away. Without realizing it, they try to take control of the situation and their feelings.
It makes them feel safe for a while, but later they start craving for an intimate connection again. And the whole cycle starts all over again.
The first step in overcoming your fear of intimacy is to acknowledge that you are and then discover why. Without understanding the deeper context, you cannot completely let go of fear. She will keep coming back to you.
On the other hand, if your partner is afraid of intimacy, then it’s time to have a conversation with them about their fears. Often times, this is the trigger for change when they are ready to take your relationship to the next level.