The red flags can be seen everywhere – you just choose to ignore them and your intuition and hope against the hope that it will get better if you can stand it. Because it has to be like that? If you love him so much? But in reality it will probably only get worse. Much worse.
If at least 5 out of the 21 cases listed below are part of your dating experience, then you’re meeting an emotionally unreachable man. Best of all, you quit now before you have a few weeks or months in a relationship that only leads to position 1.
1. He mentions his ex-girlfriend in conversation. Very often. Without asking him, and very early on, you know her name, her main job, where she lives or works, or any of the other innumerable details that you do not really have to know about a girl you’ll probably never meet.
2. He says he carries “luggage” because his ex you know too much about was a slut. Or evil. Or crazy. Or anything else he says. His anger or pain is just below the surface, and he tells you to show your best behavior around him, or you will “scare” him off.
3. He flatters you very early. You are so friendly! You are so amazing and wonderful! You are the only girl he has ever met who does things with a pure heart! You like the praise, but – let’s be honest – you have not done anything yet ….
4. He chats a lot with you early on. Your phone vibrates with a “Good morning, cutie!” Text before the alarm goes off. And he sends you news all day. Nonstop. Until you write, “I’m yawning, good night!” You think it’s too much, too early …
5. He suddenly disappears from the relationship very early. After all the constant attention and all the daily conversations, you thought it would be somewhere after two or three months later. Maybe you even met his friends. And then he suddenly disappears – he does not text back, does not answer your phone calls, no explanation and total silence – before he reappears a week or two later as if nothing had happened.
6. You can never make firm plans with him. If plans make it feel like you’re hanging him on a tree this weekend, that’s not a good sign. And, if he’s only available at the last minute or late at night to see you, that’s a mega bad sign.
7. He always shows up too late or leaves you at the last moment. You finally made plans (finally!) And took your time during your Saturday to see him. And maybe bought tickets. or made table reservations. And he turns up two hours late, three hours late or not at all and writes you a lame, transparent apology … while you sit there waiting for him.
8. He does not want to meet your friends or family. And when he does, he complains about her afterwards to make sure it’s the last thing he’s ever going to do again. He does not want to be put in the uncomfortable position of hanging out with your sweetheart.
9. He always has an excuse. Because of his delay or because he did not show up. For forgetting birthdays or holidays. For being rude to your friends. For everything and everything that happens in his life or what he does to you. Nothing is ever his fault.
10. His apartment is a pile of rubble. It looks worse than a dorm. His mattress is on the floor. His work clothes are on the floor. He has no real furniture. Actually his apartment is mostly empty and he has not moved in.
11. Your sex life never develops into something intimate. It feels like pornstar sex. Every time. And it’s the best sex you’ve ever had.
12. He decides when he will respond to your text messages. Sometimes, immediately. Sometimes, hours or days later, with no real reason for the delay.
13. He is constantly breaking his own promises. He said he would help you with the move, you would go on vacation, or you would have dinner together, but he just could not make it for the hundredth time. In fact, one begins to notice that most of his promises are empty.
14. He rarely tells anything about his past. And shoot you down or make fun of you because you asked about his hometown, his family, his study experiences, or anything else that would make you know him better.
15. He does not like talking about your relationship. Weeks or months later, you’re not even sure you can call him your friend. And sometimes he still says things like, “Why attach a label?” Or, “We’re together when we want to be together.”
16. He finds it confusing that you spend the night at his home. He prefers to stay with you always. And the few times you’ve stayed with him, he’s been watching you like a hawk around his things.
17. He says he is too busy at work / with his side hobby / with his friends / with his family to spend more time with you once or twice a week (see # 6).
18. He conceals information about (un) momentous things. For example, what he did last night, or whether he is already married or meeting someone else. You’re always the last person to find out, and he’s keeping a big secret about his daily activities.
19. He does not want to hold your hand. And protesting against all other signs of “attachment”
20. He has a gambling / drinking / drug / money problem.
21. You’re on an emotional roller coaster ride. You are suddenly in emotional highs and lows that are mostly out of your control – he disappeared, broke away from you, dumped you at the last minute, or mocked your friends. But the other day he was so nice to you via WhatsApp. You’ll have to stop this ride now because the setbacks only get worse before the ride ends – and you’re back to position 1.