You are perfect. Bad for you.
Confident, charismatic and overwhelmingly charming – few people can keep up with a narcissist when it comes to a fantastic first impression.
Some see through the mask and those who cannot. The latter will have to pay the tuition.
Narcissists are more than just people who like to look in the mirror and talk about themselves – rather, they are masters of manipulation with a strong tendency to treat others like objects and an inability to empathize.
These men and women will do everything they can to suck every last bit of dignity and security out of their partners.
And a relationship with them can be more than painful – it can be downright dangerous.
Here are 20 signs that you could be with a narcissist (only a psychologist can say for sure) and the many ways in which they destroy your life.
1. They are often extremely attractive.
Even if they are not “stunning” in the Johnny Depp sense, their confidence, charm and ability to win over a room full of people are very appealing at first.
Of course, only until you are in the thirtieth conversation in which you are in control, treated downwards and shocked by their kind of arrogant peacock.
2. You confuse goodness with weakness.
Anyone who has ever tried to negotiate with a narcissist knows that the friendlier you are, the more meaningful they become.
These people, in their view, have the right to be cruel and even go so far as to pretend to congratulate themselves on their ability to “pass over” others, to be “harsh” and to humiliate others.
You may hear this type of statement slowly at first, but because it is so “great” in other areas at the time, you dismiss it as situational or think you misunderstand it.
You only understand in the disposable phase what a serious problem it is when their lack of empathy comes to the fore in the most concentrated form.
Victims are treated in such a derogatory manner and with such brutality that many feel that they must have caused it because no normal person can ever react to something so small or such a “nothing” in this way.
That is exactly what you need to keep in mind. No “normal” person would do that.
3. They say that you are perfect … until you are no longer.
Narcissists are masters of the “love bomb”, which is an attempt to influence a person with large demonstrations of attention and affection.
At the beginning of your relationship with them, they will always text you, want to see you as often as possible, and tell you all the things you want to hear: you are perfect, you are an “angel of heaven”, you are extremely clever, and so on.
They do this to make you dependent on them while testing your limits. Do you withdraw or do you pull?
Do you give back the same and adapt? This shows them how much self-confidence you have and how hard you draw your limits.
As soon as they find out that you are only human – holy devaluation, Batman! Not only will you be changed to the opposite, but you will also be punished for the “shortcomings”, which are often exaggerated and sometimes non-existent projections.
The punishment often includes horrific statements that are designed to degrade, humiliate, humiliate, or block you (you are not allowed to express yourself).
They deny you affection and of course give you the infamous narcissistic coup de grace, also known as “silent treatment”, the silence as punishment.
They can even spread bad rumours about you behind your back.
4. You are incredibly jealous of others.
Successful and happy? Good looking and confident? Do you have a lot of friends or are you good at cooking? You are haunted.
Narcissists also tend to be very jealous partners, but only because in your mind you are simply an extension of yourself and a source of narcissistic care to keep close and under control.
They often feel threatened by any achievements or attention you receive for fear of losing access to care – and react with anger or pretended care.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they want you – they don’t. They just want your attention, good or bad. That’s all.
5. You tend to cheat.
Do you forego narcissistic care to spare your feelings that you don’t understand, understand, or interest? Guess what the answer is. Heaven, they only do it to hurt you.
6. They use LOVE as a weapon.
They may watch porn, cheat, and think they are God’s gift to the world, but because of their contempt for intimate ties, many narcissists prefer masturbation over love with another person.
They are known for letting their partner live without love, as a way to frustrate, punish, and even humiliate them (straight porn preferred to their partner – and letting them know that too).
7. You like three.
No, not that kind of threesome.
Narcissists love to create “triangles” where their partners see themselves “in conflict” with someone else, and jealousy and a struggle for love and attention can break out (ah, sweet care!).
This can be an ex, a mother, or a friend, but the purpose of the thing is to make sure that they are the centre of attention and longing.
This is known as triangulation and is designed to make you feel insecure and undesirable, and keep you in turmoil and “on the ball”.
8. You are Einstein and you are an idiot.
Of course not really, but narcissists seriously believe that they are the only people in the world who know anything else, have any culture or sophistication or can have rational thoughts.
Whatever you think, they’ll question it and go five steps to make sure you’re exhausted enough and give up just to silence them.
9. They are all about control.
Because of their need to feel powerful and special, narcissists rarely engage in situations they cannot control.
They are constantly on the lookout for narcissistic care, which means that everyone they encounter is seen as an extension of themselves and therefore under their control and used as a means to an end.
Narcissists often charm and flatter people with great titles and people who show little self-confidence (the former provide access to care, while the latter often provide care in abundance).
Anyone who the narcissist cannot control or cannot keep up with is immediately devalued.
Note: All will be devalued at the end.
10. You rage – a lot.
We’re not talking about a little tantrum here and there, but full-blown, the proverbial house-of-tantrums, which often include seriously hurtful comments that are meant to humiliate, degrade, and devalue the one you have decided that he criticized her.
considered a criticism, including if you tell them they hurt you.
You think you share information about building a better relationship with them while they think you are trying to fool them.
Yes, you read that correctly. If you tell a narcissist that you are hurt or do anything, they will not admit it and will not agree (even if you are right).
Instead, they assume you are trying to wipe them out.
Indeed, they are perfect and superior, so that even the thought that they might be doing something wrong, such as “hurting” someone, seems unimaginable to them.
11. You are lying. In particular.
It may be something small about your favourite TV show as a kid, or something big like the promise to be true, but narcissists don’t like telling the truth – mainly because it’s not particularly interesting (they’re pretty boring people at heart).
They pretend to be interested in everything you find interesting and go so far that you may hear them repeating your own words in front of others than their own.
12. You often have this strange giggle.
It’s something only someone who gets involved with a narcissist understands, but they almost laugh at themselves with that quick, manic, weird giggle.
It usually happens when they tell someone some exaggerated story and tell how they somehow “stood” about someone.
13. They are obsessed with their reputation.
A narcissist has a lot of fantasies about love, power, worship … and paranoia about being “caught”.
This often means that they threaten a partner whom they cheated or hurt, or who have inflicted suffering or pretended to make sure that no one knows their truth.
14. There is no such thing as limits.
Limits do not apply to them.
Do you want to get to know her better before you commit yourself? Nonsense. You are pushing for an exclusive relationship.
Tell them you’re afraid of heights and they’ll push you to skydive.
Explain that you don’t like smoking and they light one in front of you.
Leave them alone in your apartment and every available secret will be discovered – and ultimately used against you.
15. You have a cognitive inability to empathize.
Think about it for a moment. They cannot empathize, they can feel nothing but a selfish need for narcissistic care that can be guaranteed to see you hurt.
Example: They cheat on you and when you cry they accuse you of “desperately asking for attention” and explain that your sensitivity was one of the reasons why you cheated because it was so “needy”. #TrueStory
16. They abuse by nature.
It may or may not be physical (and if it is, goes – a person who hits you once will hit you again), but the very way narcissists communicate and try to control others often falls within the realm of verbal, mental and emotional abuse.
They trivialize, dismiss, condemn, humiliate, devalue, refuse, accuse, accuse and throw away their partners without warning – and often.
17. Your project.
One of the worst things about being with a narcissus is that they spray so much poison on you that you start to think that they may not be wrong.
How can someone who has so convincingly declared their undying love and respect suddenly withdraw and attack you? You must have done something, right?
Deep down, narcissists struggle with their pain and feelings of inadequacy – and when they “lose their temper” they shout all their self-loathing towards you.
18. You can be brutally honest.
Sometimes a narcissist says things like “I will hurt you” or “You should never come back to me” and the partner often comes and showered him with love, forgiveness and all the delicious care they crave.
I’m not a doctor, but it seems to me that this type of care is a super drug – it reinforces the belief that the narcissist is so special that he can treat his partner as badly as he wants, tells him that he knows there too – and the partner still comes back to him.
19. They don’t change.
One study after another explains that there is no “cure” for narcissism.
You may learn how to deal with others better, but it takes years of therapy and you will never really have the connection you think you want, want or deserve.
No matter what they say, do, promise or confess: for them, it will always be about care.
If you don’t hear from them, they found it somewhere else. When they get back, someone has seen through them and they flatter the dealer.
20. You are reliving your relationship with someone else.
If they keep moving, nothing is sacred. They replace you down to pet names and the places where you got married or went on vacation.
They do this not only because they have no conscience, but because they want you to feel terrible. They take care that you feel bad about these things.
Don’t believe this lie.
They are the same person as always, with a new victim who will, unfortunately, go through all of the same things as you until he or she realizes who they are dealing with.
The narcissist will then pull someone else into this grey, always the same existence.
You, in turn, will move on and have found that it is no accident: the further away from the narcissist, the happier, stronger and more successful you will be.