1. Scorpios are sexier than anyone you’ve ever met.
Don’t try to resist. You can not.
If you find yourself mysteriously drawn to this bizarre bearded dude who sleeps in the newspapers on the subway and likes to tell you that the end of the world is near, chances are he was born in November and is amazing in bed.
2. We are always dominant and always in control.
Even if you think your Scorpio partner isn’t wearing pants, she is. She just plays until it’s time to put you back in your shoes.
Don’t be too comfortable.
3. Scorpios always win.
We are persistent to the point of being relentless, sometimes manipulative, and stronger than anyone you know.
You want us on your team, because then your team will win.
Unless your team is the New York Jets, in which case I don’t know how to help you.
4. We are fiercely private.
Sometimes, if the person you are dating doesn’t want to be a Facebook official, it’s not because they’re cheating. It’s because they don’t want people in their business.
This is doubly true if you are dating a Scorpio.
If your partner doesn’t have social media and keeps a diary in a key box in a hidden safe in a hidden crawl space in her apartment, there’s a good bet she’s a Scorpio. Don’t force it.
5. However, we still want to know your whole business.
We are natural investigators. We are curious. Let us in.
Otherwise, we’ll look at you from the side forever and wonder what you’re hiding.
6. We are intrigued by the darkness.
My boyfriend comes home to me a lot watching Forensic Files and smiling like Norman Bates. It doesn’t mean that I’m a serial killer (and you can’t prove it and no jury will ever convict me), it just means that I’m fascinated by the darker things.
Scorpios are known to be interested in death, horror, the dark, the supernatural, and sometimes even the occult.
As long as she doesn’t invite Captain Howdy via a Ouija board, let her be.
7. Scorpios’ love of darkness extends to our sarcastic senses of humor.
Seriously, the things we find funny can make us bad people. Don’t judge us for it.
Instead, be happy that we have the ability to find humor in otherwise horrible things, because it makes life so much easier.
8. We are brutally honest.
Do you know how everyone likes to say they don’t care what other people think?
Don’t ask us if this dress makes you look fat unless you want to hear the truth.
9. We can be a little sighted. Or psychopath, depending on your cynicism.
Scorpios are good at predicting the future and knowing what to think before they open their mouths. This can be attributed to their observation skills and sharp memory, as well as the fact that they all have “the shine”.
Just ride with it, but don’t expect them to do salon laps with this ability.
10. We are fiercely loyal and protective.
If you tell us about someone who pushed you on the subway or screwed you up at work or bullied you in third grade, we will want to stand near you and then find the one who hurt you and kill everything that he likes.
11. We are resourceful and have a ton of discretion.
If you ever need to make a phone call from prison, especially if it’s for help with burying a body, or even just to help throw a surprise party, call someone born between the end of October. and the third week of November.
Not only will they be very helpful to you in whatever you need, but they will also hold judgment and be silent about it. Jodi Arias needed a Scorpio friend.
12. Scorpios have built-in lie detectors.
Scorpios have amazing memories as well as an innate ability to sense the truth in any given situation, so your best bet is not to even try sugar coating them or lying to them.
The only thing you will do is make them angry, and you wouldn’t like them when they are angry.
13. We treat people as they should be treated.
Don’t expect a Scorpio to be nice to you after you’ve been rude to them. Don’t expect them to let you go slow if you are cheating on them, lying to them, hiding something important from them, or judging them badly. As they are deep thinkers with impressive observational skills, Scorpios have a clear vision of what you deserve, what kind of treatment they should offer you, regardless of your obvious claims.
14. We are cunning, can be vindictive, and have very little qualms about destroying you.
Do you know the premise of Gone Girl? It’s nothing. So watch your back if you piss us off. End of the story.